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Backpfeifengesicht! – Some Insights Into The Mysterious Workings Of The German Mind

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We English tend to look down on the Germans. A traditional chant by our football fans at matches against the Germans is “Two World Wars And One World Cup, Doo-Dah Doo-Dah”. To the tune of the Camptown Races.

Though this chant is starting to lose its power due to our “One World Cup” having been won over fifty years ago and Germany having won The World Cup four times since that glorious day in 1966. Read More…

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It’s That Bloke From That Thing – Ed Sheeran, Game Of Thrones And The Unchained Melody

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It’s been a few weeks since the infamous “Ed Sheeran” episode of Game Of Thrones, so it’s probably safe to write about it now. Actually, it’s never going to be safe to write about any episode of Game Of Thrones no matter how long ago it was aired. But we’re all going to roast in a nuclear firestorm shortly so I’m going to write about it anyway. Read More…

Father’s Day – Bladerunner, Summer Holidays and Suicidal Sheep

 

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So, it’s Father’s Day once again. That’s a photo of me and my dad back in the day. Yeah, yeah, I know. He’s smoking a cigarette right next to me. You have to bear in mind that this photo was taken in 1977. Only vegans and yoga teachers gave a fuck about that sort of thing back then. He did look after me, I promise. Read More…

Teenage Mutant Ninja Hurdles – How Martial Arts Have Taught Me Persistence Pays And Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

Back in 1983, when I was 14, I started practising martial arts. Like many people who become martial artists, I started off with karate. Shotokan karate, to be precise. And like many people who start fight training, I became absolutely obsessed with it. Here is a photo of me taken at Christmas that year: Read More…

I’m With Stupid – Who’s More Annoying, Clever People Or Stupid People?

 

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There is an old saying which goes: “There’s nothing more annoying than a sober man when you are drunk or a drunk man when you are sober.” On similar lines, clever people hate stupid people and stupid people hate clever people. That is just a simple and incontrovertible fact of life. Read More…

There Can Be Only One – Soulmates, Dragons And Unicorn Sandwiches

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The Internet. It’s not all amusing cats, sex and Facebook. Well, okay, it’s about 96 percent those things but there’s other stuff on there too. Motivational memes are pretty popular. Happiness is a subject that crops up a great deal. Lots of unhappy people on the internet, apparently. As anyone who has spent more than five minutes interacting on Twitter can tell you. Read More…

I Come From A Little Town You’ve Probably Never Heard Of – How My Only Meaningful Dream Is Actually Just One Big Joke

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A few years ago, I went to get some talk therapy. The therapist asked me to keep a dream diary. I did warn her that this was probably a waste of time. My dreams very rarely have any structure. When my slumbering brain talks to me, it’s like an over excited five year old boy trying to tell his mum about a particularly great day he’s had at school. There lots of : “And then, and then, and then, and then…” but with very little actual information being imparted. Read More…

The Black Dragon – Fakes, Frauds and Kentucky Fried Chicken

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That is a photo of one of my childhood heroes. Count Juan Raphael Dante. Martial arts master, founder of The Black Dragon Fighting Society, voodoo priest and alleged bank robber. He came to fame in the 1960s by posting adverts like this in the back of American comic books : Read More…

Context – Why Charity Can’t Be An Excuse For Everything And Not All Uniforms Are Sexy

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One Friday afternoon, when I was in Sixth Form, me and my friend Shane abandoned our usual lessons, put on our Ku Klux Klan uniforms and ran around the streets demanding money. I realise that sounds a teeny bit racist and possibly a trifle thuggish, so please allow me to explain myself. There was a good reason for our little afternoon outing. Read More…

You Can’t Always Get What You Want – How To Turn The Tartan Trousers Of Disappointment Into The Shark Attack Of Happiness

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That’s a photo of me at my big brother’s wedding. I am not the tall fella on the left and nor am I the bearded chap in the middle. I’m the one in the tartan trousers. The bearded chap with his hands on my shoulders is my big brother, Paul. Read More…