Poisoning Pigeons In The Park – How A Tin Box And A Magic Virgin Made Me Realise I Might Be Becoming A Man

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We all have teachers who inspired us when we were at school. We were ungrateful little bastards back then, of course, and didn’t recognise or appreciate that inspiration. But it was always there, waiting to be remembered fondly when we eventually became adults. Read More…

Let Me Tell You About My Operation… – How I Died And Why I Thought I Was Better Than Jesus

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Thirteen years ago, just before my 34th birthday, I died. It’s okay though. I got better. I’m not currently a decomposing zombie sitting at a keyboard typing this as yet another errant body part drops to the floor. Zombies don’t write blogs. Though to read some people’s blogs and internet comments, it would be easy to believe that there’s a whole army of The Walking Dead tapping away out there. Read More…

The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived – How A Wolf-Strangling Adventurer Can Show You The Way To Improve Your Life

 

No matter how much you think you’ve achieved so far, there are always going to be people who make you realize how little you have done with your life. Take Mozart, for instance. I’m 47 years old, so – to paraphrase Tom Lehrer – by the time Mozart was my age, he had already been dead for twelve years. A very sobering thought. Read More…

The Wily Ways Of The Elephant God – How The Obstacles In Your Life Might Actually Be Springboards

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I stopped believing in my childhood god a very long time ago. I was raised as a Catholic and I have to say that this fact has been a less than positive influence in my life. Read More…

Black Bullets And Big Daddy –  Why The Seventies Weren’t All That Great And How A Comic Strip Taught Me What I Really Am

 

I used to visit my Grandma every Saturday when I was a kid. We didn’t call her “Grandma” though. We called her “Nana”.  There was one question she would always ask me at some point during these visits. “Do you want a bullet?” she would say. Don’t worry, she wasn’t threatening me or anything. She wasn’t “Gangsta”. She wasn’t pointing “nine” in my “grill” because I’d broken one of her Royal Doulton china poodles. Read More…

Explaining It To The Aliens – The Cosmic Connection Between Fossilized Sunshine And Anal Probing

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I’ll never forget the first time I had to Explain It To The Aliens. It’s etched indelibly on my brain. It’s also carved fairly permanently on other parts of my anatomy, but we’ll come to that later. But at least I can confirm that beings from other worlds actually do walk among us, for all you conspiracy nuts out there. Read More…

A League Of Your Own – How Peter Cook And Voltaire Can Help You Get Any Woman Into Bed

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Fellas. Have you ever been out on the town and looked at a woman and she’s caught your eye and then she’s quickly glanced away? At that moment, she’s maybe turned around to one of her friends, apparently casually chatting but also playing around with her hair a bit. Have you recognized that sign and prepared yourself to go over and talk to her, then at the last minute thought “Nah. Don’t bother. She’s out of your league mate”? Read More…

In Search Of The Vampire Rabbit – Some Things That I Lost And Some Things That I Found On A Stag Night In Newcastle Upon Tyne

Like This But The Other Way Round. Or So We'd Like To Think

Like This But The Other Way Round. Or So We’d Like To Think

As a man, when you achieve middle age, you spend a lot of time looking for things. Mostly, these are mundane things. Your car keys. Your glasses. That thing that you got up for five seconds ago to retrieve from the kitchen and now you can’t remember what it was. (If you look down and see you’re making cutting motions with your middle and index fingers, it was probably scissors.) Read More…

Happy Birthday! – Why Her Britannic Majesty Knows More Than You Think

 

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It’s The Queen’s Birthday today and I’m celebrating by watching YouTube videos. I’m not a great royalist so there will be no bunting in my house today. Not unless Urban Dictionary has redefined “Bunting” as a verb meaning “to lounge about drinking tea, eating biscuits and watching stupid videos”. Read More…

Holy Smokes! – How God Wants You To Take Drugs And Why God Is Wrong

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I don’t do drugs anymore. Not illegal ones, anyway. Though I am a 46 year old man, so naturally I take all sorts of pills and potions to stop my sorry old carcass from rattling apart when I walk down the street. But I don’t do the fun stuff nowadays. Read More…