Happy Birthday! – Why Her Britannic Majesty Knows More Than You Think

 

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It’s The Queen’s Birthday today and I’m celebrating by watching YouTube videos. I’m not a great royalist so there will be no bunting in my house today. Not unless Urban Dictionary has redefined “Bunting” as a verb meaning “to lounge about drinking tea, eating biscuits and watching stupid videos”. Read More…

Holy Smokes! – How God Wants You To Take Drugs And Why God Is Wrong

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I don’t do drugs anymore. Not illegal ones, anyway. Though I am a 46 year old man, so naturally I take all sorts of pills and potions to stop my sorry old carcass from rattling apart when I walk down the street. But I don’t do the fun stuff nowadays. Read More…

The Greatest Story Never Told – How The World Might Be If The Bible Had Only Just Been Written

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The Bible. Otherwise known as “The Greatest Story Ever Told”. But what if that story had not been told yet? What if I, as a writer, had just finished penning that epic tale? That’s pretty fucking unlikely, I’ll grant you, but let’s just imagine for a moment. Read More…

Sugar And Spice – The Terrible Truth About What Women Really Think

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When I was a little boy, my mum and her friends would sometimes recite a little rhyme to me. It went like this: “Michael Grimes is no good/Chop him up for firewood/When he’s dead, boil his head/And make it into gingerbread”. Read More…

Sorry, I Didn’t Quite Catch That – How People Continually Miss The Point And Why I Am The Worst Offender

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When I left Higher Education in the early Nineties, I did what many recent graduates did at that time. I went on the dole for two years and then eventually found a job that I could have got without any qualifications whatsoever. Read More…

Spies Like Us – How A Man In A Brightly Coloured Jumper Trained Me In The Art Of Espionage

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When I was nine years old, I wanted to be a spy. Hell, I’m 46 now and I still want to be a spy. Sadly, the arena for my boyhood dreams of being a secret agent no longer exists. The cold war is over. There is no square-jawed and deadly man called Yuri for me to tie to a chair and beat information out of. Read More…

Bang Bang – How Almost Being Mugged Led To Me Almost Getting Off With A Beautiful Woman

One chilly evening, back at the end of the 1990s, a man tried to mug me with an imaginary handgun. This made sense in an odd way. Most of the time, my money is completely imaginary. Read More…

IT’S FUNNY WHAT YOU MISS – How Nostalgia Can Help You Keep Your Head When Your Head’s Not In A Good Place

Me Keeping Dinner Company On Christmas Eve

Me Keeping Dinner Company On Christmas Eve

It’s Boxing Day, 1978. Obviously it isn’t, but just pretend for a moment. A small boy is sitting in front of an old valve driven Rediffusion telly. He’s only ten, but rapidly learning about that desperate ennui which settles on a house every 26th of December. Read More…

A Brief History Of Hong Kong Hip Hop – How Bruce Lee Invented Everything And Audrey Hepburn Liked It Rough

It is a little known fact that Bruce Lee invented Hip Hop. Like most people, I had assumed that Hip Hop came Straight Outta Compton and was hammered into shape by Dr Dre and his crew. Not so. Scratching, mixing, beatboxing. All invented by Bruce Lee.  Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof: Read More…

Starbucks, Frankincense and Myrrh – Why We Should Stop Thinking About Cups And Start Thinking About Each Other

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Jesus and disposable cardboard coffee cups. These two things have been inextricably linked since time immemorial. If you define “since time immemorial” as “since 1997”. Rather than using the legal definition of “since the 6th of July 1189”. Read More…