Explaining It To The Aliens – The Cosmic Connection Between Fossilized Sunshine And Anal Probing

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I’ll never forget the first time I had to Explain It To The Aliens. It’s etched indelibly on my brain. It’s also carved fairly permanently on other parts of my anatomy, but we’ll come to that later. But at least I can confirm that beings from other worlds actually do walk among us, for all you conspiracy nuts out there. Read More…

A League Of Your Own – How Peter Cook And Voltaire Can Help You Get Any Woman Into Bed

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Fellas. Have you ever been out on the town and looked at a woman and she’s caught your eye and then she’s quickly glanced away? At that moment, she’s maybe turned around to one of her friends, apparently casually chatting but also playing around with her hair a bit. Have you recognized that sign and prepared yourself to go over and talk to her, then at the last minute thought “Nah. Don’t bother. She’s out of your league mate”? Read More…

In Search Of The Vampire Rabbit – Some Things That I Lost And Some Things That I Found On A Stag Night In Newcastle Upon Tyne

Like This But The Other Way Round. Or So We'd Like To Think

Like This But The Other Way Round. Or So We’d Like To Think

As a man, when you achieve middle age, you spend a lot of time looking for things. Mostly, these are mundane things. Your car keys. Your glasses. That thing that you got up for five seconds ago to retrieve from the kitchen and now you can’t remember what it was. (If you look down and see you’re making cutting motions with your middle and index fingers, it was probably scissors.) Read More…

Happy Birthday! – Why Her Britannic Majesty Knows More Than You Think

 

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It’s The Queen’s Birthday today and I’m celebrating by watching YouTube videos. I’m not a great royalist so there will be no bunting in my house today. Not unless Urban Dictionary has redefined “Bunting” as a verb meaning “to lounge about drinking tea, eating biscuits and watching stupid videos”. Read More…

Holy Smokes! – How God Wants You To Take Drugs And Why God Is Wrong

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I don’t do drugs anymore. Not illegal ones, anyway. Though I am a 46 year old man, so naturally I take all sorts of pills and potions to stop my sorry old carcass from rattling apart when I walk down the street. But I don’t do the fun stuff nowadays. Read More…

The Greatest Story Never Told – How The World Might Be If The Bible Had Only Just Been Written

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The Bible. Otherwise known as “The Greatest Story Ever Told”. But what if that story had not been told yet? What if I, as a writer, had just finished penning that epic tale? That’s pretty fucking unlikely, I’ll grant you, but let’s just imagine for a moment. Read More…

Sugar And Spice – The Terrible Truth About What Women Really Think

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When I was a little boy, my mum and her friends would sometimes recite a little rhyme to me. It went like this: “Michael Grimes is no good/Chop him up for firewood/When he’s dead, boil his head/And make it into gingerbread”. Read More…

Sorry, I Didn’t Quite Catch That – How People Continually Miss The Point And Why I Am The Worst Offender

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When I left Higher Education in the early Nineties, I did what many recent graduates did at that time. I went on the dole for two years and then eventually found a job that I could have got without any qualifications whatsoever. Read More…

Spies Like Us – How A Man In A Brightly Coloured Jumper Trained Me In The Art Of Espionage

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When I was nine years old, I wanted to be a spy. Hell, I’m 46 now and I still want to be a spy. Sadly, the arena for my boyhood dreams of being a secret agent no longer exists. The cold war is over. There is no square-jawed and deadly man called Yuri for me to tie to a chair and beat information out of. Read More…

Bang Bang – How Almost Being Mugged Led To Me Almost Getting Off With A Beautiful Woman

One chilly evening, back at the end of the 1990s, a man tried to mug me with an imaginary handgun. This made sense in an odd way. Most of the time, my money is completely imaginary. Read More…