Something For The Weekend, Sir? – The Lost And Mysterious World Of The Barber Shop  

A Barber Shop, Yesterday.

A Barber Shop, Yesterday.

When I was a little boy, back in the 1970’s, my dad used to have to chase me down and physically drag me off to get my hair cut. Read More…

ITCHYCOO PARK – The War On Drugs And How To Win It


It Did Get A Bit Like This At One Point.

It Did Get A Bit Like This At One Point.

Picture the scene. It’s 2.30 in the morning in a wild natural park. Jesmond Dene in Newcastle upon Tyne if you happen to be familiar with it. Substitute any wild natural park if you are not. A group of young people are creeping cautiously along one of its many paths and occasionally diving into the undergrowth when a noise startles them. Read More…

The E-Mail Eunuch – How The Girls Are Beating The Boys At Their Own Game (But Only In The First Half)

Shock And Disapproval. The Natural Ground States Of The Daily Mail Reader.

Shock And Disapproval. The Natural Ground States Of The Daily Mail Reader.

 You see lots of conflicting stories in the newspapers. Global warming is real/Global warming is disproved. Coffee protects you against cancer/coffee is carcinogenic. Lazy immigrants are living the Life of Reilly on benefits/sneaky immigrants are stealing our jobs. Often these stories are in the same newspaper: The Daily Mail. That’s okay though. Daily mail readers are very good a cognitive dissonance.

Read More…

On The Move – Why It Is Sometimes Easy To Mistake Inertia For Emotion

I’m in the middle of moving house at the moment. It’s pretty traumatic and emotional. I’ve lived in my old house for 16 years. When I moved into it, the world was quaking in its boots about the Millennium Bug and The Vengaboys were Number One in the charts with “We’re Going To Ibiza!” Read More…

Awkward! – Why I Find The World’s Puzzlement At Miley Cyrus’ And Justin Bieber’s Behaviour Equally Puzzling

Bieber And Cyrus. Never Seen In The Same Room Together.

Bieber And Cyrus. Never Seen In The Same Room Together.


I’m sorry to break this news, but Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber aren’t children anymore. She’s not a cute tween and he’s no longer the floppy haired boy next door. Read More…

Wanker’s Latin – The Delightful Sport Of Pub Pedant Baiting and How To Play It

You can’t bait bears any more and you can’t bait badgers either. You can shoot badgers, or gas them to death though. This is because they are a nuisance who give cows Tuberculosis. Presumably by coughing on them.

Never been sure how that works. Cows’ faces are a good five feet further above ground than badgers’ faces, and badgers aren’t particularly good at craning their necks upwards. Still, nature often finds a way in these circumstances. It’s nasty like that, Nature. Read More…

METROSEXUALS – How The Great Tradition Of The Dandy Is Being Perverted And What To Do If You’ve Fallen For The Scam


It’s not the primping and the preening that annoys me so much.
Any self respecting human male is an arrogant, strutting peacock by nature. This is a noble and ancient tradition. It’s the new trend towards self castrated peacocks that is the problem. Read More…

Information Superhighway Robbery – Why Twitter Isn’t The Safest Place To Keep Your Valuables



“If you sit on your parents until they go numb, it feels like somebody else is bitterly disappointed in you”. Read More…

INSPECT A REBUS – Why Some Of The Annoying Habits Of Modern Teenagers Are Much, Much Older Than You Think

Like a lot of people of a certain age, I’m annoyed by text messaging. Not predicative text – or auto correct as the Americans call it – although that is annoying. I have go through both “rub” and “sub” before I get to “pub”, a word I use far more frequently than either of the previous options, oddly enough. I also use the word “shit” more often than the word “shiv”, never having been incarcerated at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. Read More…

A COUNTERBLASTE TO TOBBACCO REPLACEMENT – How All Adverts Lie To You But Some Lie More Than Others


 Adverts lie to us. That’s ok though, because everyone knows that. The women in the photos that tout anti-wrinkle treatments are quite clearly squinting and have had their negligible laughter lines filled in with black crayon in the “before” shots. In the “after” shots, they’ve unscrewed their faces and wiped the crayon off with cold cream and-abracadabra- they look fifteen years younger. The women who purchase these products are fully aware of that, and of the fact that what they are buying is hope rather than solutions.

Read More…