Archive | January 2014

A Little Englander’s Rough Guide to Foreigners

A Little Englander’s Rough Guide To Foreigners – Everything You Wanted To Know About Europe But Couldn’t Be Bothered To Ask

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You’ll Like This Trick. Not A Lot, But You’ll Like It

Spain. Portugal. Greece. Until recently, just sunny places to go for your summer holidays. Now, harbingers of economic doom. Drowning men of Europe who are going to drag us under with them if we’re not careful.

The threat from across the Channel is bearing down on us like a drunken stepdad with his belt in his hand. Crossing your fingers and hoping his trousers fall about his ankles and trip him over before he reaches you is not enough. Knowledge is power. Having just completed a correspondence course in Xenophobia from the London Cosmopolitan University (formerly Cable Street Comprehensive, Limehouse, Isle of Dogs), I am in an ideal position to furnish you with the knowledge you require.

Remember, these words are ammunition. Load them well. Read More…

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Shed Zeppelin

SHED ZEPPELIN-Why God Doesn’t Like Reunions and Satan Couldn’t Give a Toss About Rock Music

What I Didn’t Want, Really Really Didn’t Want

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The Spice Girls’ Famous Audience With Nelson Mandela

My heart leapt into my mouth when I opened my morning paper a few days ago and read the headline: “Spice Girls Reunite!” Fortunately I didn’t pause before reading the rest of the headline: “But Only To Promote a Musical”. Had I paused I suspect my heart would have leapt out of my mouth and jumped into a corner before sobbing itself to death. It was a close call. But another comeback bullet had been dodged. On past occasions the outcome hasn’t been quite so rosy. Read More…

Vertical Thinking – How Inventors Rarely Seem To Consider The Consequences Of Their Work

This Poses As Many Questions As It Answers.

This Poses As Many Questions As It Answers.

 

Inventors tend to be idealists. When Sir Tim Berners-Lee came up with the World Wide Web, it was intended as a research tool. I’m fairly confident he didn’t pitch it as a solution to the problem of not sitting in front of a computer in your boxer shorts and eating pizza until three in the morning. Read More…

The Universal Home Cock Doctor

THE UNIVERSAL HOME COCK DOCTOR – The Perils Of Having A Penis And Some Strategies For Dealing With Them

Why Mr Darcy, You’re The Most Arrogant Dick I’ve Ever Met

 

What Do You Mean “Wee Willie Winkie?”

Love it or hate it, like it or loathe it, a man’s penis rules his life. Along with its eager assistants, the balls, it is the major driving force behind everything a bloke does. Its welfare, its appearance and all things associated with it occupy a fella’s every waking moment. Read More…

At a newspaper, every roll is crucial

Ah, yes. The nightmare of the “awkward walk” as you search for any viable solution to your problem. The ultimate embarrassment for any right thinking human. Unless you’re French of course, in which case you clean your arse with a jet of icy water and let it dry in the breeze.

Ned's Blog

(Welcome to Flashback Sunday, when we travel back in time to spotlight a post from the distant past while being extremely careful, of course, not to disturb anything that could change the natural course of history. Not that we’d know either way. Admittedly, the inexplicable success of Justin Bieber could be evidence we’ve failed at least once…)

There are few things that can bring a newspaper to a halt when it is facing a deadline. In fact, aside from a natural catastrophe or a critically important breaking news story (Example: Anything related to Dancing with the Stars), nothing stands in the way of our commitment, as journalists, to ensure that the power of the press continues — unless, of course, the unthinkable happens, and we run out of toilet paper in both employee restrooms.

As professionals, this is a scenario we train for. We know how to recognize…

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The Ins And Outs Of Ennui– How A Drunken IQ Test Can Show You That Being Bored Is Useful

At Least This Lady Won't Get Bored While She Has Access To A Sharpie And A Wet Cloth

At Least This Lady Won’t Get Bored While She Has Access To A Sharpie And A Wet Cloth

 

Boredom. It comes to us all from time to time. Read More…

It’s All Downhill From Here

IT’S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE – How Fashion Is A Waste Of Time Once You Hit Forty And Why That Is More Glorious Than You Can Imagine

A Dessicated Follower Of Fashion

Smoooooooth

Smoooooooth

It’s been a liberating experience, becoming a Forty-something man. All sorts of things not to have to worry about any more. Top of this list has to be clothes. There were questions which had to be asked before selecting an ensemble from my wardrobe when I was in my twenties and thirties. Is it appropriate to the occasion? If so, what’s the likelihood of someone else wearing the same thing? Will I look like I’m trying too hard? That sort of thing. All irrelevant now. Read More…

Reasons even a straight man can benefit from watching The Bachelor

Ned's Blog

image (I had the laps in judgement distinct privilege of being a guest contributor over at Long Awkward Pause today. Here’s an excerpt, along with a link at the bottom. Sorry it’s not the sausage kind…)

Hi.

My name is Ned and I watch The Bachelor.

I’ve been a heterosexual for 17,155 days and counting.

I can see the looks of confusion but that’s okay; I’ve gotten used to it. In fact, I used to hide my Bachelor/Bachelorette watching…

“Hey Ned, how about that Trailblazers game last night?!?”
“Yeah, man! They really dominated the paint!”
“What are you talking about? They LOST!”
“Oh, right. Uh, I got tapped out for a house fire and missed the second half.”
“Was everyone ok?”
“Yeah, but the girls who didn’t get a rose were pretty upset.”
“Wait… what?”

(Read the rest at Long Awkward Pause…)

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The Happy World Of Haribo – The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Marijuana

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If it weren’t for cannabis, the makers of Haribo would have went out of business a long time ago. Kids like Haribo, that’s a given. But only stoners actually love them. Read More…

THONGS – Why Skimpy Underwear Is Not For Everyone And How it Can Really Spoil A Trip Out To The Coffee House  

It's A Pair Of Knickers Dear, Not A Skateboard

It’s A Pair Of Knickers Dear, Not A Skateboard

When women get a bit cheeky and boisterous, by which I mean drunk, they will often try to tease you sexually by mentioning thongs. They are always disappointed, swiftly followed by puzzled, at the reaction this causes in me. Read More…