A Little Englander’s Rough Guide To Foreigners – Everything You Wanted To Know About Europe But Couldn’t Be Bothered To Ask
Spain. Portugal. Greece. Until recently, just sunny places to go for your summer holidays. Now, harbingers of economic doom. Drowning men of Europe who are going to drag us under with them if we’re not careful.
The threat from across the Channel is bearing down on us like a drunken stepdad with his belt in his hand. Crossing your fingers and hoping his trousers fall about his ankles and trip him over before he reaches you is not enough. Knowledge is power. Having just completed a correspondence course in Xenophobia from the London Cosmopolitan University (formerly Cable Street Comprehensive, Limehouse, Isle of Dogs), I am in an ideal position to furnish you with the knowledge you require.
Remember, these words are ammunition. Load them well. Read More…
THE UNIVERSAL HOME COCK DOCTOR – The Perils Of Having A Penis And Some Strategies For Dealing With Them
Why Mr Darcy, You’re The Most Arrogant Dick I’ve Ever Met
Love it or hate it, like it or loathe it, a man’s penis rules his life. Along with its eager assistants, the balls, it is the major driving force behind everything a bloke does. Its welfare, its appearance and all things associated with it occupy a fella’s every waking moment. Read More…
Ah, yes. The nightmare of the “awkward walk” as you search for any viable solution to your problem. The ultimate embarrassment for any right thinking human. Unless you’re French of course, in which case you clean your arse with a jet of icy water and let it dry in the breeze.
(Welcome to Flashback Sunday, when we travel back in time to spotlight a post from the distant past while being extremely careful, of course, not to disturb anything that could change the natural course of history. Not that we’d know either way. Admittedly, the inexplicable success of Justin Bieber could be evidence we’ve failed at least once…)
There are few things that can bring a newspaper to a halt when it is facing a deadline. In fact, aside from a natural catastrophe or a critically important breaking news story (Example: Anything related to Dancing with the Stars), nothing stands in the way of our commitment, as journalists, to ensure that the power of the press continues — unless, of course, the unthinkable happens, and we run out of toilet paper in both employee restrooms.
As professionals, this is a scenario we train for. We know how to recognize…
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Boredom. It comes to us all from time to time. Read More…
IT’S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE – How Fashion Is A Waste Of Time Once You Hit Forty And Why That Is More Glorious Than You Can Imagine
A Dessicated Follower Of Fashion
It’s been a liberating experience, becoming a Forty-something man. All sorts of things not to have to worry about any more. Top of this list has to be clothes. There were questions which had to be asked before selecting an ensemble from my wardrobe when I was in my twenties and thirties. Is it appropriate to the occasion? If so, what’s the likelihood of someone else wearing the same thing? Will I look like I’m trying too hard? That sort of thing. All irrelevant now. Read More…
My name is Ned and I watch The Bachelor.
I’ve been a heterosexual for 17,155 days and counting.
I can see the looks of confusion but that’s okay; I’ve gotten used to it. In fact, I used to hide my Bachelor/Bachelorette watching…
“Hey Ned, how about that Trailblazers game last night?!?”
“Yeah, man! They really dominated the paint!”
“What are you talking about? They LOST!”
“Oh, right. Uh, I got tapped out for a house fire and missed the second half.”
“Was everyone ok?”
“Yeah, but the girls who didn’t get a rose were pretty upset.”
(Read the rest at Long Awkward Pause…)
If it weren’t for cannabis, the makers of Haribo would have went out of business a long time ago. Kids like Haribo, that’s a given. But only stoners actually love them. Read More…
THONGS – Why Skimpy Underwear Is Not For Everyone And How it Can Really Spoil A Trip Out To The Coffee House
When women get a bit cheeky and boisterous, by which I mean drunk, they will often try to tease you sexually by mentioning thongs. They are always disappointed, swiftly followed by puzzled, at the reaction this causes in me. Read More…