The Universal Home Cock Doctor

THE UNIVERSAL HOME COCK DOCTOR – The Perils Of Having A Penis And Some Strategies For Dealing With Them

Why Mr Darcy, You’re The Most Arrogant Dick I’ve Ever Met

 

What Do You Mean “Wee Willie Winkie?”

Love it or hate it, like it or loathe it, a man’s penis rules his life. Along with its eager assistants, the balls, it is the major driving force behind everything a bloke does. Its welfare, its appearance and all things associated with it occupy a fella’s every waking moment.

See that bloke messing around with the latest gadget? He’s thinking about his cock. See that successful bloke polishing his fancy foreign car? He’s worrying about his cock. Rich or poor, young or old, there’s no escaping the influence of the arrangement of dangly flesh between your legs.

It’s said that Eskimos have at least twelve different words for snow, due to its importance in their lives. Let’s see if we can apply the same principle to the penis and compile some sort of list

List Of Things To Do People With

Ha ha! It Fell Off.

 

Ok, here goes. Tool. Love Truncheon. Tallywhacker. Pork Sword. Spam Javelin. Putz. Weapon. Knob. Purple Battering Ram. Policeman’s Helmet. Little German Soldier. Rod. Meatstick . Shaft….Hang on, that’s fourteen and we’ve barely even started. That’s because English, the World’s most popular Lingua Franca, has Thousands of words and phrases that mean penis.

That says a lot about us and our ancestors who were involved with the evolution of our deeply patriarchal  mother tongue. Eskimos only have one word they truly care about that applies to the penis. Unfrozen.

Now we’ve established the cultural importance of the penis, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Knowing about it and looking after it.

Size Matters Or Matters Of Size

Don’t Worry. It vill not affect your Oooorrrgasm

 

Ok, let’s get this one out of the way. Size does matter. Doesn’t matter how often Dear Diedre and Dr Ruth say that it’s tenderness and technique that count. Don’t get me wrong; tenderness and technique, being adventurous and the general condition of your relationship are definitely the deciding factors in how good your love life is. But the size of your cock affects every aspect of how you fuck, and every size has its advantages and disadvantages.

You Might Have To Pray The Circus Comes To Town

 

Well, quite frankly that’s just showing off

If you are as long as John Holmes and as thick as a Coke can, you are never going to experience the delight of a young lady fellating you so deeply that she can lick your balls on the downstroke. Not unless you’re fortunate enough to hook up with a female sword swallower. As for anal, forget about it unless you’re willing to be on the receiving end.

However, if you pack a more slender four inches, no girl is going to baulk at either of the above practices. Not on the grounds of pain or discomfort anyway. She’ll feel like a filthy sex queen and you get the forbidden jollies that most men only dream of unless they try begging or bribery or it happens to be their birthday.

A Mars A Day Helps You Work Rest And Play

 

That’s Actually A Twix, But We Get The General Idea

Of course, you have to make a special effort to woo the girl before getting down to even basis sex. If you are more delicately hung, don’t even think about one night stands. The girl in question will most likely be drunk and not show any decorum by refraining from laughing when you drop your trollies. If you absolutely have to indulge in casual sex then remember the following points:

a)      Do not reveal yourself by getting fully undressed before you get into bed. Try to convince her that this is all part of the teasing and getting her warmed up

b)      Once you’re getting squelchy, feed it in slowly and grip the base so there’s a little bit left in reserve to stick in at the end

c)      Angle it up and hopefully your stubby erection will hit her G-Spot on every stroke

d)     When a girl is hungry enough, a fun sized Mars Bar is better than no Mars Bar at all. So make sure she’s plenty desperate

What A Magnificent Space

 

A Lady’s Controls Are A Great Deal More Complex Than This

On the other hand, if you are one of the majority of men who are in the middle of the bell curve –no pun on bell end intended- then you need to remember this. If you are getting down to it with a girl and she’s saying sorry, but nothing less than nine inches is good enough, she is the freak, not you.

Not that she should be thought badly of. The poor woman is suffering from a distressing and genuine medical condition called BucketSnatch or GapeClunge. There is a time honoured joke which sums this up beautifully.

Girl : I can barely feel a thing. Your organ is really small

Boy : Well I’m sorry, but it’s never had to play a Cathedral before

Life In The Big Leagues

 

Honey, Why Is That Baseball Bat Vibrating?

Let’s not forget that big boys have problems too. We touched on them briefly earlier. They have to rely on novelty value. If you are unfeasibly endowed, have as many safe one-nighters as you can. Because once you get a steady girlfriend/wife, you need to be prepared to to spend a lot of money on KY. Also, don’t get too upset when she gets more headaches than seems normal, ‘cos there will be nights, after a hard day’s work, when she really can’t face it.

You see, all girls like the idea of a great big cock. But for a lot of them, after a while the reality can be a bit much if it’s the regular and only option. So big boys, accept that the honeymoon period of your relationships will be fantastic, but that the maintenance might be a great deal more work than you thought.

They’re All The Same At The End Of The Day

 

That Smile On Her Face Is A Good Thing. Cheer Up You Twat

So to sum up on the question of size, learn as many sexual tricks as you can and make the most of what nature gave you. Whether it’s small, average, big or Oh-My-God. And be assured that if you and your lady finish your sessions all cuddled up and she’s got a smile on her face, she won’t leave you because of the size of your dick. She’ll leave you because you are a dick. She’ll walk out if you are an egotistical wanker or you’ve slept with her sister, but not over the dimensions of the old trouser rocket.

What’s In A Name?

 

Who Knows What Kind Of Name Gwyneth Paltrow Has Just Come Up With

Whatever your downstairs dimensions may be, there might be something your young lady does which deeply disturbs you. There’s a good chance that she will invent a cute pet name for your pride and joy. No matter how ludicrous it is, go with it and keep a straight face. She’ll be disproportionately upset if you don’t.

Women, as has been observed many times in the past, are complicated creatures. Not that men aren’t complicated too, they’re just fucked up in a different way. Men are complicated in series and women are complicated in parallel. That is to say, man can only be indecipherable on one issue at a time, whereas women can be enigmatic about lots of things simultaneously.

What A Lot Of Mister Men There Are. I Wonder Which One We’ll Be Meeting Next

At Least If You’re Jewish, She Won’t Be Calling It This

So gentlemen, just put up with the dick naming thing. Even if the name she comes up with makes your member sound like one of the Mister Men, all non-threatening and cuddly, and you can hear the sound of Roger Hargreaves spinning in his grave.

No one is entirely sure why women do this nickname thing, but there is a theory that runs along the following lines. They give your bits a twee name as a form of release because they’re not very comfortable naming theirs. A bit of nodding and pointing to the floor and mouthing “Down There” appears to be traditional. Though Twitter is rapidly remedying this situation so hopefully the practice will die out soon.

Never Mind The Bollocks

A Spirited Attempt, But That’s Not Quite How Testicular Self Examination Works

 

Ah, the nutsack and its semi-spherical contents. One of the few parts of the human anatomy less visually appealing than the penis itself. Not pretty, but necessary to continue the human race, so best look after them.

Clean ‘em, polish ‘em and do the self-examination once a month. Yeah, I know you examine them all the time. In fact, most women would say it would be a neat trick to get men to stop examining them. But fumbling around while reading a copy of FHM doesn’t count. What I mean is concentrate, feel for lumps and if you think anything is untoward, go and see a doctor.

Cleanliness Is Next To Ungodliness

You’d Better Just Be Cleaning That Thoroughly, Otherwise You Can take That Crucifix Off Young Man

Men, virtually without exception, adore being blown. They whinge about the lack of it in relationships, but they largely bring this upon themselves. The lady in a chap’s life has to be confident of a good experience when the urge takes her. And the urge can strike at the oddest of times. She need to know that when she goes down, she isn’t going to need a plate of crackers to go with the meal.

Clean it, clean it, clean it. And when you’re absolutely certain it’s ok, fucking clean it again. It’s a very simple premise that even the most Neanderthal man can grasp. If it smells bad, it’s not going to get sucked.

The Blowjob Barometer

Either You’ve Lost Your Contact Lenses Or We’ve Fallen Out Again Mildred

 

Even assuming you’ve stuck to the above advice, about six months into a relationship, the amount of head will begin to dwindle. Don’t panic. This is perfectly normal, and you will get to a natural level. This might be anything between a couple of times a week to once every couple of months or so. Whatever it is, you’ll figure it out.

Once the natural background level has been established, the blowjob can give you a useful indication of whether things are ok or not. One thing in any relationship is true : if the natural background level of oral sex diminishes, or even disappears altogether, something is wrong.

This might not necessarily be anything to do with you -although that is almost certainly the case- but there is definitely something wrong. Don’t go steaming in demanding what happened to your fellatio ration. Just ask what’s wrong and be persistent until she gets really annoyed, cracks, and tells you what you don’t want to hear.

Oh, and if she does something drastic to her hair without discussing it with you, your relationship is irrevocably fucked.

Women Have Got A Thing Which Lets Them Do That Too Now

And With This Little Plastic Funnel, Men And Women Were Finally Equal

In conclusion, whatever your genital hang ups are : too big, too small, too thick, two balls etc, the above is just a few things you need to know. I could go on and tell you more, but I don’t have three weeks and a blackboard. Plus it’s all on the rest of The Internet anyway. So just relax and enjoy your cock. Otherwise the only point in having it is to be able to piss standing up.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

4 responses to “The Universal Home Cock Doctor”

  1. the_lunatic says :

    Wise words.
    Yeah, size matters. Women love to fantasize about the great big meat-stick, but when it threatens to tear apart her stomach lining, the fantasy quickly dissipates. And too small … well, good luck. Though luckily, there is a nice loooong in-between. Mmhmm.
    Good post.

  2. eden baylee says :

    SO many gems in this post. Loved it. Agree it’s funny, witty, informative, and dare I say, even kinda hot. Ha!

    Great write, Mike,
    eden

    • thedailygrime says :

      Thanks Eden. I occasionally put a bit of homespun wisdom in my posts. Sometimes it gives the illusion I know what the hell I’m talking about. It’s pure coincidence, I assure you.

      Cheers
      Mike

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: