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Hips Don’t Lie – Shakira, Apollo 13 And The Joys Of Getting Older


As is the case with many men from the 1960s end of Generation X, I like to have a good old moan about my age. It doesn’t do anybody any harm and it’s one of the few avenues of entertainment left available to me that doesn’t cost any money. There is a problem with this form of amusement though. Read More…


Father’s Day – Bladerunner, Summer Holidays and Suicidal Sheep



So, it’s Father’s Day once again. That’s a photo of me and my dad back in the day. Yeah, yeah, I know. He’s smoking a cigarette right next to me. You have to bear in mind that this photo was taken in 1977. Only vegans and yoga teachers gave a fuck about that sort of thing back then. He did look after me, I promise. Read More…

Teenage Mutant Ninja Hurdles – How Martial Arts Have Taught Me Persistence Pays And Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

Back in 1983, when I was 14, I started practising martial arts. Like many people who become martial artists, I started off with karate. Shotokan karate, to be precise. And like many people who start fight training, I became absolutely obsessed with it. Here is a photo of me taken at Christmas that year: Read More…

I Come From A Little Town You’ve Probably Never Heard Of – How My Only Meaningful Dream Is Actually Just One Big Joke


A few years ago, I went to get some talk therapy. The therapist asked me to keep a dream diary. I did warn her that this was probably a waste of time. My dreams very rarely have any structure. When my slumbering brain talks to me, it’s like an over excited five year old boy trying to tell his mum about a particularly great day he’s had at school. There lots of : “And then, and then, and then, and then…” but with very little actual information being imparted. Read More…

The Black Dragon – Fakes, Frauds and Kentucky Fried Chicken


That is a photo of one of my childhood heroes. Count Juan Raphael Dante. Martial arts master, founder of The Black Dragon Fighting Society, voodoo priest and alleged bank robber. He came to fame in the 1960s by posting adverts like this in the back of American comic books : Read More…

In Search Of The Vampire Rabbit – Some Things That I Lost And Some Things That I Found On A Stag Night In Newcastle Upon Tyne

Like This But The Other Way Round. Or So We'd Like To Think

Like This But The Other Way Round. Or So We’d Like To Think

As a man, when you achieve middle age, you spend a lot of time looking for things. Mostly, these are mundane things. Your car keys. Your glasses. That thing that you got up for five seconds ago to retrieve from the kitchen and now you can’t remember what it was. (If you look down and see you’re making cutting motions with your middle and index fingers, it was probably scissors.) Read More…

The Crock Of Shit At The End Of The Rainbow – Why Pensions Aren’t As Sensible As They Seem And What Alternatives You Can Provide For Yourself

Hi. I'm Brett Riverboat. Your Personal Financial Advisor.

Hi. I’m Brett Riverboat. Your Personal Financial Advisor.

 Twenty five years old. That’s the age when the hum drum realities of life start to tap you on the shoulder. If you don’t turn around to face them, they get you in a neck lock and wrestle you to the ground and then you’re screwed. Read More…

Good Will Shunting – Why There Are Some Facts Of Life We Might Be Better Off Not Finding Out.




Back in 1997, people warmed to the touching story of Good Will Hunting. Not so much the film itself, which is a bit schmaltzy and for most people is the sort of movie you watch late at night when a few too many glasses of wine have made you a bit weepy anyway. Personally, I go for Apollo 13 when I’m in that condition. Read More…

Awkward! – Why I Find The World’s Puzzlement At Miley Cyrus’ And Justin Bieber’s Behaviour Equally Puzzling

Bieber And Cyrus. Never Seen In The Same Room Together.

Bieber And Cyrus. Never Seen In The Same Room Together.


I’m sorry to break this news, but Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber aren’t children anymore. She’s not a cute tween and he’s no longer the floppy haired boy next door. Read More…

INSPECT A REBUS – Why Some Of The Annoying Habits Of Modern Teenagers Are Much, Much Older Than You Think

Like a lot of people of a certain age, I’m annoyed by text messaging. Not predicative text – or auto correct as the Americans call it – although that is annoying. I have go through both “rub” and “sub” before I get to “pub”, a word I use far more frequently than either of the previous options, oddly enough. I also use the word “shit” more often than the word “shiv”, never having been incarcerated at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. Read More…