Archive | March 2014

Family travel is easy with the help of a licensed forklift operator

Ned's Blog

image Welcome to another installment of Post Traumatic Sunday , which are posts written during my first marriage. None have appeared on this blog before, and only a couple were included in my book . These posts aren’t about venting or vindictiveness; I was just someone dealing with an unhappy marriage in the best way I knew how: Through humor.

Eight years later, I am happily re-married to someone who constantly inspires me to laugh for the right reasons.

Now we can all laugh together…

* * * * * * * *

This morning, we left on a family vacation with our two children, four train tickets to Seattle, and approximately 700 pounds of luggage. This is a conservative estimate based on my wife’s meticulous packing strategy, which means bringing anything that doesn’t require the help of a licensed forklift operator. My wife says that we have a responsibility to…

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Stressed out? You can probably sue someone for that

Ned's Blog

image Recently, a federal jury in Billings, Mont., awarded $1 million to a woman who said she suffered from post-traumatic stress after her Delta Airlines jet made an emergency landing in November of 2011. The case gained attention because it opens the floodgate for other post-traumatic stress lawsuits, which includes anyone who has ever ridden in a taxi in downtown New York.

Though I never suffered anything as severe as post-traumatic stress from my own NYC taxi experience, it was many weeks before I could free my mind from the terrifying image of the driver flipping the bird to other taxi drivers with both hands as he navigated through Madison Avenue traffic using only his knees. Even today, I’m sure that his back seat still has a perfect impression of my hands — in the form of a death grip — which he can use as a nice conversation piece. When…

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A QUESTION OF SPURT – How To Avoid Indulging In The Most Revolting Sexual Practice Known To Medical Science

Don’t panic, this isn’t a script outline for one of those appalling porn movies. You known the ones which take a real title of a film or book or whatever and use the humour to defuse the disgusting sexual practices they depict. Read More…

CAPTAIN ABSENT AND ELSEWHERE BOY – Why There ARE Real Life Superheroes And Where You Can Find Them


 Are you good at your job? Yeah, me too. Frustrating isn’t it? I was brought up to believe in the ethic that hard work brings its own reward. Not hard work is its own reward, because only a low grade moron would believe that for more than a second. I scoffed at this “work ethic”  idea in my lazy, know it all teens of course. It would have been weird if I hadn’t.  Read More…

SKINCHIES – The Vicious Games Of Childhood And How They Become The Vicious Games Of Adulthood

If We Knew About Andy McNab In 1979, We'd Have Pretended To Be Him, Not Captain Scarlet

If We Knew About Andy McNab In 1979, We’d Have Pretended To Be Him, Not Captain Scarlet

Kids are very creative when it comes to making up games. It’s great preparation for the trials lurking in store in their adult lives. Read More…


You’ve got another 40 years of this shit to put up with, no matter where you work mate. I’d pursue writing as a career if I were you. Minimal human contact. You know it makes sense.


The Unemployed Graduate

Having spent two months wallowing in self-pity and contemplating a not-too-distant future where my only source of income was selling flowers I had stolen from the cemetery at congested roundabouts in Golders Green, I decided to get myself in shape and return to the dynamic and challenging world of administration. I had signed up with a new recruitment agency where my reputation was unbeknownst to the blissfully naive consultants at London Bridge Adecco.

Having procured a temporary placement at Commonwealth College London, I came to realise that the temporary sectors survival depends on other people’s misfortune. Like ambulance chasers, unemployed temps have to pray that some poor bastard takes 3-6 months off due to depression. During bouts of unemployment I found myself wishing for some poor fucker to get cancer, a treatable form (I’m not a monster) but requiring months of painful chemotherapy and rehabilitation. I was a parasite, leeching…

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Who’s The Boss? – Why The “Ban Bossy” Campaign Needs To Take A Very Long Hard Look at Itself

 The Concise Oxford English Dictionary defines the word “Bossy” in the following way : “Fond of giving orders, domineering”. These are necessary qualities in people who earn a living being in charge of other people. The usage of the word is not as cut and dried as that of course. It’s a word that is exclusively directed at women or, on occasion, small children. It is always derogatory. Read More…

AM I A WRITER? And Why The Answer Should Be No If You Want To Have A Quiet Life

George Bernard Shaw Contemplating Writing In The Traditional Manner

George Bernard Shaw Contemplating Writing In The Traditional Manner

The titular question above is a one that many people have asked themselves over the years, particularly when they have either just turned 14 or just turned 30. It’s not the same as “could I write for a living?” Just glancing through the offerings on the shelves of W H Smiths proves that any buffoon can sell words to the public given enough luck. Read More…

I’LL JUST HAVE THE BILL PLEASE – Why All Women Should Give Prostitution A Try and How That Would Help Society

This Man Seems Very Pleased With That Statement. Maybe He’s A Locksmith.

For every pound a man earns in this great country of ours, a woman earns 89p. That’s the latest official statistic. Despite years of feminist campaigning and reams of legislation, a glass barrier still divides our respective earnings. The women out there might well wonder when, if all efforts so far have failed, we might attain parity on the pay front. Well, I’ll tell you. Read More…

Celebrating a year of somewhat questionable writing advice

Ned's Blog

image Welcome to a special Anniversary Edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing! It was a year ago this week that the first edition of my weekly NWOW was completely overlooked heralded by Writer’s Digest as “A literary hazard cone…” and by Publisher’s Weekly as “Our measuring stick for excellent writing, if we were on the metric system.” As if that weren’t enough, I received a congratulatory email this morning from The Master of Horror® Stephen King:

I consider myself an expert on corpses, so you can believe me when I say your body of work speaks for itself.”

High praise indeed.

But enough accolades! It’s time to prepare yourself. Why? Because in just a few moments I will push the button on a special remote, releasing balloons and confetti on you! That’s right! While you were sleeping, special crews (most of which were licensed, bonded and documented citizens) were busy…

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