Archive | February 2014

I know the Olympics are over, but here’s one last horrible writing analogy

Very well put sir. I do hope the fact that Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards was our most famous ski jumper won’t hurt my chances any.

Ned's Blog

image Though the Olympic flame as been extinguished and the final portable commode pumped dry, I’m still thinking of polymer-wrapped ski jumpers leaning forward and flying silently through the air toward a graceful — seemingly magical — touchdown near the Subway Sandwich banner. There are several reasons this image has stuck with me, including the many stark contrasts between these jumpers and when I attempted something similar, using a pair of roller skates and my children’s backyard slide. I’m not going to get into the details here because 1) this is supposed to be a post about writing, and 2) I can’t risk putting my kids back into therapy.

All I will tell you is that there was a fair amount of screaming (from me, not the kids), not much “hang time” and a nearly fatal touch-down, which was technically more of an Olympic-sized face-plant. And we’ll just leave it at…

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Bob Monkhizzle – How A Dead English Comedian Invented Rap Talk

Bob Monkhizzle. National Trizzle And Consumate Wordsmizzle.

Bob Monkhizzle. National Trizzle And Consummate Wordsmizzle.

 Way back in the mists of time, Snoop Dogg invented “-izzle” speak. There are some that say fellow rapper E-40 actually invented it in the 90s. Or that it first appeared in the song “Double Dutch Bus” by Frankie Smith in the 80s. Or even that it’s been around since the Harlem Renaissance of the 1920s and 30s. But Snoop Dogg says he invented it and I’m certainly not going to be the one who contradicts him. Read More…

Cross Ply And Radials – Why My Brain Isn’t As Wonky As I Thought. And Yours Might Not Be Either.

My Followers Looked  Like This. I Think. It's A Bit Of A Blur To Be Honest

My Followers Looked Like This. I Think. It’s A Bit Of A Blur To Be Honest

I’ve struggled with my brain for a number of years now. Depression, hallucinations, delusions. Thinking that I was some sort of intergalactic messiah, that was a fun one. Read More…

It’s A Kind Of Magic – Why Love Truly Is Sorcery And  Marriage Is The Ultimate Magical Ritual

These Grimoires Are Doing My Nut In.

These Grimoires Are Doing My Nut In.

When I was a teenager, I dabbled in Ritual Magic. This did not work out well for me. Read More…

The Gay Olympics – Why The Winter Olympics Might Be A Cry For Help Deep From The Heart Of Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin On Picket Duty At Brokeback Mountain. Not On His Watch!

Vladimir Putin On Picket Duty At Brokeback Mountain. Not On His Watch!

 

We are nearly halfway through the Winter Olympics now. Or as I’m starting to think of it, the “Let’s see who can make up the stupidest name for an event competition.” Read More…

My Crummy Valentine – The Distressing Truth About Valentine’s Day And Romantic Love

Gotcha!

Gotcha!

 

I am a hopeless romantic. That doesn’t mean that I try to be romantic but I’m a bit rubbish at it. It means that when it comes to romance, I have a different definition to most people when February 14th rolls around. That is why I despise Valentine’s Day. Read More…

THE TERRIBLE TRUTH ABOUT PUSSY – Why Science Fiction Is To Blame For Men’s Aversion To Cunnilingus And How To Cure The Condition

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If there are any straight girls reading this, I’m going to start by giving you this thought to hang on to. Unless they are gay, men love pussy. That’s in the bank, it’s safe and no-one can take it away from you. Read More…

Professor Piehead – How To Fix The Eurozone With The Unlikely Combination Of Britain And Germany

piehead 

At best The Eurozone has been, in the words of Professor Piehead, only a partial success. Though to be fair, the whole idea of a Single European Currency was kicked squarely in the nuts from the start when Gordon Brown steadfastly refused to let Britain have anything to do with it. Read More…

HUSH PUPPY STREET JUSTICE – Why There’s a Revolution Coming and How You Can Be Part Of It If You Wear the Right Trousers

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Men, if you’ve just turned forty, congratulations and welcome to the over forties club. This month’s password is “Brassicas”. If you haven’t reached the magic Four-Oh yet, then perhaps you should back away and do something else. If you’re in your twenties then maybe you could book yourself in for a manicure or a back sack and crack wax. Keep on doing that until words like “brassicas” and “dignity” enter your everyday vocabulary. Read More…

The Alchemy Of The Human Brain – Why famous People Are Exactly The Same As You. Only Usually With More Money

 

Kurt Cobain. Deeply Admired And Sorely Missed

There seems to be a fallacy in the collective mind of the public that famous people spend all day lounging around smoking rainbows and eating unicorn sandwiches. They do not. Read More…