Archive | May 2014

SIX PACKS – Why Abs Are Strictly For Youngsters And How To Easily Come To Terms With Your Natural Male Shape

 

Can't Find The Cheese Grater AGAIN Babe? Oh, Go On Then.

Can’t Find The Cheese Grater AGAIN Babe? Oh, Go On Then.

I go to the gym and enjoy it, and I’m not afraid to say so. I go for lots of reasons. To keep the black dog of depression at bay, to ogle girls, to save money by not going to the pub. Read More…

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Grifters – Why I Really Admire The Royal Family

 

The Kardashians. They Seem To Have Sorted Out The Crinkly Forehead Thing Since Deep Space 9

The Kardashians. They Seem To Have Sorted Out The Crinkly Forehead Thing Since Deep Space 9

There’s been a disturbing trend in recent years of people being famous for the sake of being famous. They haven’t done anything or achieved anything but they are household names and nobody quite knows why. Read More…

Boom Bang-a-Bang – War, Transvestites and The Eurovision Song Contest

When Russia invaded Crimea, my first though was not “Oh no, what dreadful consequences will this have for the balance of World Power?” This is because I’m British and all Brits think the world revolves around Britain. Read More…

THE LITTLE PISS BOILER – Things That Really Annoy Me And Why They Should Annoy You Too  

Get On With It. There’s Another Mod Revival Due And I Have To Get A Skinnier Tie.

I’d be the first to agree that when God was handing out patience and tolerance, I was right at the back of the queue. I was looking at my watch and I was tapping my foot and tutting a lot. Read More…

Men’s Health Matters – The Medical Pitfalls Of Being A Man And How To Avoid Them

The 70s. When Cigarettes Were Good For You

The golden age of men’s health and fitness sadly passed away some decades ago. There was a time when men’s jobs carved them from Scottish granite and only seven stone weaklings and circus performers lifted weights. Read More…

A Letter To God – Why The Almighty Forgives Pretty Much Everyone And How That Really Pisses The Devil Off

Dear God,

It’s me again: Satan. Remember me? The poor schmuck you gave the thankless task of looking after hell? Read More…

It’s A Knockout – In Praise Of My Secret Love. The Eurovision Song Contest

 

Peter Gabriel. This Wasn't A Eurovision Entry. He Did This Sort Of Thing All The Time

Peter Gabriel. This Wasn’t A Eurovision Entry. He Did This Sort Of Thing All The Time

I fucking LOVE The Eurovision Song Contest. On the face of it, this should be a really peculiar anomaly in my life. I’m quite well educated and reasonably intelligent. I read books. Lots of them. I watch documentaries about quantum physics. I follow Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s attempts at making time travel a reality with avid interest. But still, I fucking LOVE The Eurovision Song Contest. Read More…

Swag – How Writers Steal Things And Why That’s Perfectly OK

 

Mr Jagger. He Likes To Swagger. His Name Is Mick...You Fill In The Rest

Mr Jagger. He Likes To Swagger. His Name Is Mick…You Fill In The Rest

All writers have Swag. And I don’t mean Swag in the way that is bandied around the internet nowadays. I know for sure that I definitely don’t mean that, because I have only a very vague notion as to what the term refers to. The best definition I’ve been able to come up with for “having Swag” is this : “Acting like a twat, yet remaining mysteriously likeable to other twats”. Read More…

Occam’s Razor Fight – Why Beethoven Has A Lot In Common With Punching Someone Unconscious

 

Just One Of Many Tattoos I Never Got. Plus, I'm Not A Girl.

Just One Of Many Tattoos I Never Got. Plus, I’m Not A Girl.

I don’t have any tattoos. This isn’t because I find them distasteful or have a fear of needles or anything. It’s just that my tastes are far too fickle to mark any of them permanently on my body. Read More…

Why Don’t You Love Me Jenny? – How There’s No Such Thing As A Platonic Relationship And Why That’s A Very Good Thing

 

If Only The Signs Were This Obvious

If Only The Signs Were This Obvious

The University Of Wisconsin has recently done a study and come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as an entirely platonic relationship between heterosexual, different-sex friends. This is not really a surprise. Every university in the world has a department for stating the completely fucking obvious. Read More…