Archive | May 2013

SIXTY NINE, DUDES! –  1969 It Was The Best Of Times. It Was The Worst Of Times. And Yes, That Was DEFINITELY Plagiarism

The Pain. It's Finally Gone! Hang On. I Can't Actually Feel My Fingers.

Bryan Adams was very excited about his first real six string. He managed to pick it up at a Five and Dime, which is always a bonus. However, he got so excited that he played it ‘til his fingers bled, which is a bad thing, particularly if you want to earn your living playing the guitar. A bit like a boxer having a glass jaw. Read More…

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Fully Fashioned War Machines – Why T Shirts and Hoodies Are Part Of  A  Sinister Plot To Reduce The Population And Make Telly More Exciting

A Group Of Emos. The Collective Noun Is A

A Group Of Emos. The Collective Noun Is A “Desperation”. There’s Always A Fat One

 I’m seeing teenagers walking all around me and I just want to grab them and shake them. Especially the boys with this weird girly hair thing they’ve got going on. It’s so tempting to just take a Polaroid, thrust it in their hands and say “Keep this. When you look at it in five years time, the skin on the back of your neck will be trying to crawl off the top of your head. You’ll truly know the meaning of the word excruciating.” Read More…

The Suicide Dilution – The Creeping Death That Threatens The NHS

The Secretary of State for Health. No, Seriously, He Is.

The Secretary of State for Health. No, Seriously, He Is.

That’s a picture of Jeremy Hunt. He’s Secretary of State for Health. And I don’t trust him. I don’t trust any politician of course, but I particularly don’t trust this one. I think it’s the hair. Read More…

The Joy And Pain Of Porn – How Cave Paintings And Greek Pottery Inevitably Resulted In The Internet

When the first Paleolithic artist seized some charcoal from the dying embers of that new fangled fire thing, what do you think he drew? Woolly Mammoth? Sabre Toothed Tiger? Giant Elk? Of course not. He drew one of three rudimentary representations: a pair of tits, a hairy fanny or a spunky cock. Most likely a spunky cock. None of these early artworks exist because he rubbed them out before his mum got back from gathering wood. But we’ll get back to that point later. Read More…

FUCK  – The Embarrassing Truth About The Origins Of Words

Looks Like We Got Us A Reader.

Looks Like We Got Us A Reader.

You read blogs, yes? Presumably this means that you like words. Well, I’m going to see how committed you are to this premise by talking about one of my minor pet peeves. Folk etymology. Now, if you’ve had to immediately reach for a dictionary to look up the word “etymology”, there’s no need to feel ashamed.

It’s not a word that crops up very often, even in the most erudite of conversations, so I won’t judge you for not knowing it. I didn’t know what it meant prior to looking it up in the dictionary. And a good working definition of a fool is someone who doesn’t know something you only found out yourself the day before. In fact, I assumed that it meant “the study of insects”. No. That’s entomology. Etymology is, in fact, the study of the origins of words. Though you probably got that from the title anyway. You’ll notice I didn’t put an exclamation mark on the end of “FUCK”  in that title. This isn’t a musical. Read More…

Ers Versus Ologists – The Secret Link Between Feminists And Serial Killers

 

I Love These Monday Morning Strategy Meetings

I Love These Monday Morning Strategy Meetings

Top flight business executives and serial killers have two things in common. The Warrior Gene and zero frontal lobe activity. The Warrior Gene makes you more likely to take risky decisions and zero frontal lobe activity makes empathy virtually impossible. Very useful traits in both careers. In short, top flight business executives and serial killers are both examples of  psychopaths. Read More…

SLIGHT SECOND LIFE – How Women Are Like Computers And Why There Is Absolutely Nothing You Can Do About It

Shocked Computer Nerd

A few years ago, I clicked on a hyperlink which led me to a page declaring : “Congratulations on reaching the end of the internet. You may now go out and get a life”. This was such an amazing revelation that it caused me to physically flinch and spill my Jolt Cola all over the remnants of my Dominoes Meat Feast Special pizza. Read More…

LITTLE SPECKS OF BLOOD AND BONE – Why You Are Actually A Serial Killer And How Society Is Definitely To Blame

Meat is murder. Well known fact. Morrissey banged on about in some album back in the Eighties. Thankfully I only know that information second hand. Nature and nurture have endowed me with many psychological flaws, but the urge to listen to anything by The Smiths has never been one of them. No over rated Johnny Marr janglings in my iPod. Read More…