A QUESTION OF SPURT – How To Avoid Indulging In The Most Revolting Sexual Practice Known To Medical Science

Don’t panic, this isn’t a script outline for one of those appalling porn movies. You known the ones which take a real title of a film or book or whatever and use the humour to defuse the disgusting sexual practices they depict. Twenty Eight Gays Later, Wood in the Babes, that sort of thing. It is about a disgusting sexual practice, though; the most revolting one imaginable.

I’m talking, of course, about a lady administering a blowjob and not swallowing. There are so many annoying things about this, apart from being extremely discourteous and bloody unsporting. Although these are good enough reasons to stand alone

The main reason cited by the offending oral criminals is the taste of the spunk itself. This is easily got around, and I don’t mean by eating lots of pineapple and cinnamon. No, it can be got around by realising that it is, like many of the finer things in life, an acquired taste. It is a taste which these ladies need to acquire to become fully functional British females.

This may seem harsh, but look at what the men have to go through to become fully functional British males. Aside from the fighting and the football, we have to learn to drink in pubs. Now you can get away with cider and Alco pops down the local park, but when you drag your fifteen year old arse into a boozer for the first time, ordering anything other than beer will get you kicked out. And this is the point; do you honestly think any of us actually liked the taste of beer when it first fell on our tongues?

No, we thought it was the most disgusting thing we had ever tasted, foul beyond the capacity for description. But we downed it because it was what had to be done. Lots of you ladies drink lager, so what’s the problem?  Shortly the beer becomes tolerable and then bloody lovely. Plus, it allows you to stand getting off with the ropey slappers you have to pull to be guaranteed a swallow on the first place.

This is the nub of the problem isn’t it? Some girls associate the act of swallowing with being lower class or common. This is odd, because posh women have no problem with it at all. This is because they are brought up eating olives and capers and caviar and all manner of horrible things. Proper champagne, proper quality champagne tastes like fizzy ferret piss. Next to these things a gobful of the most rancid man paste is like a breath of fresh air to them.

This is why aggressive and over protective working class fathers never allow their daughters such luxuries, even if they are plumbers and can therefore afford it. Jamie Oliver, bless him, is trying to reverse this trend by using his manufactured mockney charm to batter down their defences. Yes, there is actually a point to the existence of the rubber tongued pan monkey. Most men know this, which is why he hasn’t yet been beaten to death in the street.

Now, let’s get a bit of context and perspective here. I’m not saying that ladies should suck and swallow in all sexual encounters. Leave that to the above mentioned ropey slappers. If you’ve just met the chap or not been with him long, then I can’t say I blame you. You don’t know where he’s been.

No, what we’re really concerned with are girls who refuse the task when they’ve moved in with the bloke, or even married him. Nor are we concerned with the girls who refuse to suck, full stop; they’re dead in the water already. Simple rule: “don’t give head and you won’t get wed”. Well, actually, you probably will, but you’ll get the husband you deserve. Some weak ponce who’s a successful tyrant at work but a submissive worm at home.

You’ll be happy enough for a while, lulled by a comfortable lifestyle. Eventually, you’ll want to divorce him because his “Yes dear, no dear” attitude isn’t exactly fanning the flames down below. The shock comes when he turns out to be not nearly as loaded as you thought. This is because all the times you thought he was entertaining clients or working late, he was spending his hard earned on hookers. No cigar for guessing what he was paying them to do.

Ok, after all that defensive venom, perhaps it’s time for a little honesty. Girls, the reason a man wants to come in your mouth is that it’s the ultimate symbol of acceptance. In his convoluted little caveman brain, if you swallow your accepting him lock stock and barrel; body and soul. Any objections you raise just make that feeling stronger. Don’t swallow and he’ll always feel a little bit rejected and second best. No matter how you show affection in other ways, the relationship is ultimately doomed.

But don’t let it be all one sided; insist he meets you halfway and gives you a big sloppy kiss after, before you brush your teeth. If he refuses to do this no matter how drunk you get him or whatever other nefarious sexual favours you offer as enticement, he probably running away from his own latent homosexuality. And boys, eat a cinnamon bun for breakfast a couple of times a week to show willing.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013

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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

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