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There Can Be Only One – Soulmates, Dragons And Unicorn Sandwiches

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The Internet. It’s not all amusing cats, sex and Facebook. Well, okay, it’s about 96 percent those things but there’s other stuff on there too. Motivational memes are pretty popular. Happiness is a subject that crops up a great deal. Lots of unhappy people on the internet, apparently. As anyone who has spent more than five minutes interacting on Twitter can tell you. Read More…

Toki Pona – Fluency In Silence And The Assassination Of Donald Trump

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Apart from a few scintillating highlights, 2016 has been the worst fucking year of my entire life. I don’t feel too badly about it though, because broadly speaking 2016 has been a bad year for pretty much everybody.

So many dead celebrities. So many fallen heroes that looking back on this year is like viewing the killing fields at the end of the first day of The Battle of the Somme. Read More…

Weirdos – Why Your Friends Are Strange And How To Make Them Even Stranger

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Your friends are a lot weirder than you think they are. And I do mean your friends, not my friends. My friends are exactly as weird as I think they are. That’s perfectly okay though, because weirdos inevitably attract other weirdos. It’s just a force of nature, like gravity. Read More…

Poisoning Pigeons In The Park – How A Tin Box And A Magic Virgin Made Me Realise I Might Be Becoming A Man

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We all have teachers who inspired us when we were at school. We were ungrateful little bastards back then, of course, and didn’t recognise or appreciate that inspiration. But it was always there, waiting to be remembered fondly when we eventually became adults. Read More…

A League Of Your Own – How Peter Cook And Voltaire Can Help You Get Any Woman Into Bed

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Fellas. Have you ever been out on the town and looked at a woman and she’s caught your eye and then she’s quickly glanced away? At that moment, she’s maybe turned around to one of her friends, apparently casually chatting but also playing around with her hair a bit. Have you recognized that sign and prepared yourself to go over and talk to her, then at the last minute thought “Nah. Don’t bother. She’s out of your league mate”? Read More…

Lesbians – Why Men Are Obsessed By Them And How That Fact Leaves Me Slightly Bemused

Lesbians. Boring.

Lesbians. Boring.

 

Lesbians. Straight men are obsessed with them, aren’t they? Why? It’s not as if women are obsessed with gay men. Oh yes, every girl wants a Gay Best Friend to listen to her and go shoe shopping with her and give her tips on how to make anal sex less painful. (The trick, by the way, is not to be the one on the receiving end of it). Read More…

Captain Caveman vs Just William – How A Lady Can Train Her Man Not To Be So Much Of A Dick Without Him Even Noticing

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When me and my missus first got together, I was a bit of a caveman. A witty and charming caveman obviously, otherwise she’d have had nothing to do with me in the first place, but a caveman nonetheless. Read More…

If You’re Going To Lie, Lie With Your Boots On – The Crazy World Of Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin’s Divorce

 

Wait, Wait, It IS Actually A Thing. Who'd Have Thunk It?

Wait, Wait, It IS Actually A Thing. Who’d Have Thunk It?

Back in 1986, our collective intelligence was insulted during the infamous “Spycatcher” trial, when Cabinet Secretary Robert Armstrong used introduced the phrase “economical with the truth” into modern parlance. And I think it may have been John Major who tried to slip one past us when he used the then little known word “disingenuous” when he meant “lying”. That’s the world of politics for you. Read More…

Who’s The Boss? – Why The “Ban Bossy” Campaign Needs To Take A Very Long Hard Look at Itself

 The Concise Oxford English Dictionary defines the word “Bossy” in the following way : “Fond of giving orders, domineering”. These are necessary qualities in people who earn a living being in charge of other people. The usage of the word is not as cut and dried as that of course. It’s a word that is exclusively directed at women or, on occasion, small children. It is always derogatory. Read More…

The Cynic’s Guide To Relationships – How Pat Benatar and Norman Stanley Fletcher Can Aid Your Love Life

Up That Rigging You Monkeys, Aloft! There's No Chains To Hold You Now!

 

I have one of those faces that women seem to love to confide in. It’s also one of those faces most of them tend to want to slap should its owner attempt to step outside of the Friend Zone, but that’s fine. There’s a lot of women out there and you don’t need a terribly big hit rate to be a reasonably successful swordsman. Besides, I’ve been practically married to the same girl for 12 years now, so my swashbuckling is done on a limited basis when work dictates we both are in the same room and aren’t completely knackered. Read More…