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You Can’t Always Get What You Want – How To Turn The Tartan Trousers Of Disappointment Into The Shark Attack Of Happiness

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That’s a photo of me at my big brother’s wedding. I am not the tall fella on the left and nor am I the bearded chap in the middle. I’m the one in the tartan trousers. The bearded chap with his hands on my shoulders is my big brother, Paul. Read More…

Black Bullets And Big Daddy –  Why The Seventies Weren’t All That Great And How A Comic Strip Taught Me What I Really Am

 

I used to visit my Grandma every Saturday when I was a kid. We didn’t call her “Grandma” though. We called her “Nana”.  There was one question she would always ask me at some point during these visits. “Do you want a bullet?” she would say. Don’t worry, she wasn’t threatening me or anything. She wasn’t “Gangsta”. She wasn’t pointing “nine” in my “grill” because I’d broken one of her Royal Doulton china poodles. Read More…

Sorry, I Didn’t Quite Catch That – How People Continually Miss The Point And Why I Am The Worst Offender

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When I left Higher Education in the early Nineties, I did what many recent graduates did at that time. I went on the dole for two years and then eventually found a job that I could have got without any qualifications whatsoever. Read More…

Bang Bang – How Almost Being Mugged Led To Me Almost Getting Off With A Beautiful Woman

One chilly evening, back at the end of the 1990s, a man tried to mug me with an imaginary handgun. This made sense in an odd way. Most of the time, my money is completely imaginary. Read More…

Reservoir Pigs – Some Final Thoughts On The Pig Gate Scandal

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Last week, I wrote a post on the subject of the Pig Gate Scandal. “The Ballad Of Pigfucker Dave”. In this post, I moaned about the fact that David Cameron was now going to be remembered as “Pigfucker Dave”, rather than for all the horrible government policies he has presided over. Read More…

This Is Your War. This Is Your War On Drugs – How America Is Finally Realizing That Richard Nixon May Have Been Wrong About Something

Allegedly

 

In 1971, Richard Milhous Nixon announced the war on drugs. That war has been raging for 43 years, but it looks like it is finally coming to an end. And it looks like the American Government has lost and that the people on drugs have won. Read More…

ITCHYCOO PARK – The War On Drugs And How To Win It

 

It Did Get A Bit Like This At One Point.

It Did Get A Bit Like This At One Point.

Picture the scene. It’s 2.30 in the morning in a wild natural park. Jesmond Dene in Newcastle upon Tyne if you happen to be familiar with it. Substitute any wild natural park if you are not. A group of young people are creeping cautiously along one of its many paths and occasionally diving into the undergrowth when a noise startles them. Read More…

Awkward! – Why I Find The World’s Puzzlement At Miley Cyrus’ And Justin Bieber’s Behaviour Equally Puzzling

Bieber And Cyrus. Never Seen In The Same Room Together.

Bieber And Cyrus. Never Seen In The Same Room Together.

 

I’m sorry to break this news, but Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber aren’t children anymore. She’s not a cute tween and he’s no longer the floppy haired boy next door. Read More…

Wanker’s Latin – The Delightful Sport Of Pub Pedant Baiting and How To Play It

You can’t bait bears any more and you can’t bait badgers either. You can shoot badgers, or gas them to death though. This is because they are a nuisance who give cows Tuberculosis. Presumably by coughing on them.

Never been sure how that works. Cows’ faces are a good five feet further above ground than badgers’ faces, and badgers aren’t particularly good at craning their necks upwards. Still, nature often finds a way in these circumstances. It’s nasty like that, Nature. Read More…

AFTERNOON DELIGHT – A Tribute To Past Pleasures And The Reason Why Smoking Ban Is Good For Smokers

 

This Is How I Remember It. Though There May Have Been Carpets And Wallpaper

This Is How I Remember Proper Pubs. Though There May Have Been Carpets And Wallpaper

Everything’s coming to us too easily nowadays. The Great Beast that is consumerism needs feeding and as it gets hungrier and greedier the more we cave into its demands. We learn to take things for granted that we couldn’t have imagined in our wildest dreams only a few years before. Read More…