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Exploring Your Inner Shelf – Why Every Straight Man Harbours A Secret Gay Refugee And How To Harness His Awesome Secret Powers

Exploring Your Inner Shelf – Why Every Straight Man Harbours A Secret Gay Refugee And How To Harness His Awesome Secret Powers

There is an increasing amount of credence given to the idea that a man can improve himself by getting in touch with his inner child, or worse still, his feminine side. Read More…


Context – Why Charity Can’t Be An Excuse For Everything And Not All Uniforms Are Sexy


One Friday afternoon, when I was in Sixth Form, me and my friend Shane abandoned our usual lessons, put on our Ku Klux Klan uniforms and ran around the streets demanding money. I realise that sounds a teeny bit racist and possibly a trifle thuggish, so please allow me to explain myself. There was a good reason for our little afternoon outing. Read More…

Poisoning Pigeons In The Park – How A Tin Box And A Magic Virgin Made Me Realise I Might Be Becoming A Man


We all have teachers who inspired us when we were at school. We were ungrateful little bastards back then, of course, and didn’t recognise or appreciate that inspiration. But it was always there, waiting to be remembered fondly when we eventually became adults. Read More…

The Wily Ways Of The Elephant God – How The Obstacles In Your Life Might Actually Be Springboards


I stopped believing in my childhood god a very long time ago. I was raised as a Catholic and I have to say that this fact has been a less than positive influence in my life. Read More…

Explaining It To The Aliens – The Cosmic Connection Between Fossilized Sunshine And Anal Probing


I’ll never forget the first time I had to Explain It To The Aliens. It’s etched indelibly on my brain. It’s also carved fairly permanently on other parts of my anatomy, but we’ll come to that later. But at least I can confirm that beings from other worlds actually do walk among us, for all you conspiracy nuts out there. Read More…

Holy Smokes! – How God Wants You To Take Drugs And Why God Is Wrong


I don’t do drugs anymore. Not illegal ones, anyway. Though I am a 46 year old man, so naturally I take all sorts of pills and potions to stop my sorry old carcass from rattling apart when I walk down the street. But I don’t do the fun stuff nowadays. Read More…

The Greatest Story Never Told – How The World Might Be If The Bible Had Only Just Been Written


The Bible. Otherwise known as “The Greatest Story Ever Told”. But what if that story had not been told yet? What if I, as a writer, had just finished penning that epic tale? That’s pretty fucking unlikely, I’ll grant you, but let’s just imagine for a moment. Read More…

Sorry, I Didn’t Quite Catch That – How People Continually Miss The Point And Why I Am The Worst Offender


When I left Higher Education in the early Nineties, I did what many recent graduates did at that time. I went on the dole for two years and then eventually found a job that I could have got without any qualifications whatsoever. Read More…

Yes, It Fucking Did Hurt When I Fell From Heaven – The Conversation That Led To Lucifer’s Fall From Grace



It’s a lovely morning in Heaven –as it always is – and God is working at his Celestial Drawing Board. Lucifer comes in to bring him his morning pot of tea.

God : Hello Lucifer. You’re looking particularly luminous this morning.

Lucifier : I am merely a prism who refracts your blinding magnificence Lord. I’ve brought you a plate of ginger biscuits with your tea this morning

God: Oh, excellent. Do feel free to help yourself to both. Pull up a seat. There’s something I want to show you Read More…

A Letter To God – Why The Almighty Forgives Pretty Much Everyone And How That Really Pisses The Devil Off

Dear God,

It’s me again: Satan. Remember me? The poor schmuck you gave the thankless task of looking after hell? Read More…