You Can’t Always Get What You Want – How To Turn The Tartan Trousers Of Disappointment Into The Shark Attack Of Happiness

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That’s a photo of me at my big brother’s wedding. I am not the tall fella on the left and nor am I the bearded chap in the middle. I’m the one in the tartan trousers. The bearded chap with his hands on my shoulders is my big brother, Paul. Read More…

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Resolution (Slips Away Again) – How To Have Your Cake And Eat It

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Twas the night before Christmas, And all ‘round the house, Not a creature was stirring, Not even a mouse….except for the lady of the house, of course, who was creeping stealthily towards the fridge and thinking : “It’s Christmas Day tomorrow and I’m going to be spending most of it in this kitchen. Fuck it. I’m having another piece of cake.” Read More…

Toki Pona – Fluency In Silence And The Assassination Of Donald Trump

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Apart from a few scintillating highlights, 2016 has been the worst fucking year of my entire life. I don’t feel too badly about it though, because broadly speaking 2016 has been a bad year for pretty much everybody.

So many dead celebrities. So many fallen heroes that looking back on this year is like viewing the killing fields at the end of the first day of The Battle of the Somme. Read More…

The Aspect Of The Honey Badger – Why Heroes Don’t Always Look Like You Picture Them

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 “The course of true love never did run smooth”. Shakespeare wrote that. The twat. He wrote a lot of things, Shakespeare. He was the original meme generator. But I’m beginning to suspect that a lot of the things he wrote about weren’t such big problems with the human condition until he plonked them into the public consciousness. Read More…

The Magic Cooking Pot – How To Make Happy Memories With Lots Of Time But Very Little Money

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 When I was a kid, around about this time of year, there was one little treat I used to look forward to more than anything else. I always knew this treat was coming because my mum would wash out The Big Black Cooking Pot. It looked a bit like the one in that picture, but a lot less fancy and a hell of a lot more battered. It must have held a good couple of gallons and you had to put it across two gas rings to use it. And The Big Black Cooking Pot being washed out could mean only one thing. Home-made soup. Read More…

Passion, Poetry and Hot Chocolate With Marshmallows – How To Star In Your Very Own Hollywood Movie

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Winter Is Coming. For most people, that’s just a tagline from “Game Of Thrones”. An internet meme with Sean Bean holding a sword on a windswept hillside, usually involving some sort of joke. For other people, like me, “Winter Is Coming” is not a joke, it is an actual warning. Something to be genuinely concerned about. Read More…

The Mayor Of Trump Town –  How To Resolve The Presidential Election Dilemma With A Mission To Mars

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Americans are terribly proud of the fact that any US citizen can become President Of The United States. They certainly seem to have been going all out to prove that particular point over the last few months. Ok, we get it. But could you just stop now please. You’re really, really scaring us. I don’t know about you, but if my arsehole was puckered up any tighter it would be in serious danger of healing shut. Read More…

Weirdos – Why Your Friends Are Strange And How To Make Them Even Stranger

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Your friends are a lot weirder than you think they are. And I do mean your friends, not my friends. My friends are exactly as weird as I think they are. That’s perfectly okay though, because weirdos inevitably attract other weirdos. It’s just a force of nature, like gravity. Read More…

Jackie Paper Isn’t Dead – How Rolf Harris Can Tell You If You Are Sad And Puff The Magic Dragon Got A Very Raw Deal

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That’s Jimmy Savile. The most prolific sex offender to stalk the corridors of the BBC. And that was up against some pretty stiff competition, as Operation Yewtree has repeatedly revealed. For the last four years, I have had my fingers crossed, repeating the mantra “Please not Johnny Ball. Please not Johnny Ball. Please not Johnny Ball.” The entire edifice of my happy Seventies childhood would fall down about my ears if any terrible revelations about Johnny Ball came to light. Nothing so far, thank goodness. Read More…

The Hole In The Wall – How You Shouldn’t Annoy Farmers And Why It Is Unwise To Pay Attention To Thoughts You Have At Three In The Morning

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When I was in my early twenties, I became terrified of a door. It wasn’t one of those spooky, haunted doors you used to get in Hammer Horror films. It was a perfectly ordinary, perfectly functional door. But this door scared me more than any portal to a room full of ghosts or monsters ever could. Read More…