The Mayor Of Trump Town – How To Resolve The Presidential Election Dilemma With A Mission To Mars
Americans are terribly proud of the fact that any US citizen can become President Of The United States. They certainly seem to have been going all out to prove that particular point over the last few months. Ok, we get it. But could you just stop now please. You’re really, really scaring us. I don’t know about you, but if my arsehole was puckered up any tighter it would be in serious danger of healing shut.
I mean, why now? Putin looks like he’s preparing for World War Three, an event he’s been looking forward to the way a four year old looks forward to Christmas. Britain has cheerfully decided to destabilize Europe by announcing Brexit. And due to the ever falling value of the pound, I am no longer guaranteed the ability to buy Marmite. I know that last point probably doesn’t seem that important or relevant, but it is. When a British man cannot walk into a supermarket, buy a jar of Marmite and then leave it in his kitchen cupboard unopened until it goes off and he has to throw it away, then there is something very wrong with the world.
So what do you do to ease this situation, America? You throw up the actual, real possibility of Donald Trump being President. To paraphrase Dr Emmet Brown in the movie Back To The Future: “Who’s going to be Vice President then? Jerry Lewis?”
You know when you wake up from a scary dream and then, after the terror has drained away, you laugh to yourself? When you think “How did I believe I was being chased by a giant boot with teeth along a slippery road cobbled with human kneecaps?” Well, this feels like the dream part of that scenario. Except of course it isn’t a dream. It’s actually happening.
Just take a minute to step back and look at the two candidates. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.
Clinton has survived thirty years in Washington DC. That means that she is – by definition- duplicitous, conniving and untrustworthy. But she is a career politician, so no surprise there really. This appears to be how people like their politicians. You only have to look to British politics to see that. Theresa May : basically Hillary Clinton with a British accent. No one asked for her. No one voted for her. Yet she is Prime Minister. Jeremy Corbyn.: a man of principle and integrity. Will never be Prime Minister in a million years. The only way he will see the inside of 10 Downing Street is if Theresa May hires him as a painter and decorator and he spends a week there rehanging the wallpaper.
So, Clinton is hardly unexpected. But Trump? How did that happen? The man is just the idiot son of a hugely wealthy family. Sure, he’s rich but he would have been a hell of a lot richer if he’d just put all his family’s money in stocks and shares and done literally nothing in terms of business ventures. Have you seen some of his failed business ventures? Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump “The Game”. He’s like a deranged tomcat spraying his mark on as many things as possible and expecting the world to buy those things after he’s pissed all over them.
Americans have bought virtually none of the products he put his name on. Bizarrely though, they finally seem to be buying one product that carries his name. Him. Maybe if we’d all sat around drinking his vodka and eating his steaks and playing Trump “The Game” then this wouldn’t be happening. But as I’ve said, it is happening and very, very soon.
Come on America. You’ve proved your point. It’s time to call a halt to this insane dare you seem to have set yourself. You need an escape plan. I’ve got one for you. Here’s what you do with Clinton and Trump. You gaslight them. More specifically, you “Capricorn One” them.
In the movie “Capricorn One”, a group of astronauts is forced to participate in a fake landing on Mars, all staged for the TV cameras because funding for the mission has run out. We do the same to Clinton and Trump. Run a fake election and force them to participate in. Except we don’t tell them it’s fake.
Just get the secret service to mindfuck the two candidates in some way so that they think, in their personal worlds, that it is a day later than it actually is. The CIA are good at that sort of thing. Then hold the fake election on November the 7th, which both candidates will actually think is November the 8th if the CIA have used the appropriate drugs and mind control techniques. Isolate each candidate in their respective campaign bunkers and convince both of them that they have won. Then just hold the real election the following day.
America will have to spend the next four years pandering to this fantasy, of course. Build a couple of phoney Whitehouses and bogus Air Force Ones. It might get a bit tricky, but provide Trump with enough distractions and he won’t question anything. He is a bear of very little brain, after all. And Clinton probably wouldn’t accept that she hadn’t won even if somebody spilled the beans about the entire plan to her face to face. With diagrams. And video footage of how it was done.
Okay, that’s probably not a very realistic plan. And we’ve left it too late to do it even if it was. But come on America, You’ve got to do something. If Clinton gets in, the years ahead have “same shit, different shovel” written all over them. Except with a hell of a lot more shit. And by “shit”, I mean “War”.
If Trump gets in, the years ahead have the words “Dystopian Future” written right through them like a stick of Blackpool rock. You might find that Mexico builds that wall after all, but not for the reasons Trump wants them to. Americans have an awful lot of guns. Their version of a Dystopian Future is going to make “Mad Max” look like The Teddy Bears’ Picnic.
Whatever happens, the next President is definitely going to be Clinton or Trump. Not unless God, in whom Americans seem to trust so implicitly, makes an unexpected appearance and intervenes. But that’s even more unlikely than my “Capricorn One” plan working.
The only option I can see is to impeach whoever wins as soon as they have sworn the oath in January. It’s not like there’s any shortage of evidence. Transcripts of the Presidential Debates would probably do it, at a pinch. Not sure if you can impeach a President for things they’ve done before they got into office, but it’s got to be worth a try. Try something America. You have literally millions of potential Presidents to choose from. The world is nervous and twitchy enough as it is and my arsehole is not the only one which is in danger of welding itself shut.
Copyright Michael Grimes 2016