A League Of Your Own – How Peter Cook And Voltaire Can Help You Get Any Woman Into Bed
Fellas. Have you ever been out on the town and looked at a woman and she’s caught your eye and then she’s quickly glanced away? At that moment, she’s maybe turned around to one of her friends, apparently casually chatting but also playing around with her hair a bit. Have you recognized that sign and prepared yourself to go over and talk to her, then at the last minute thought “Nah. Don’t bother. She’s out of your league mate”?
Yeah, me too. And it is the stupidest thing a man can ever do, apart from downloading Windows 10 onto his computer.
When that girl catches your eye, you’ve got to ask yourself some questions and more importantly, give yourself the correct answers. Too pretty for you? You don’t know that. What you are looking at and what she sees when she looks in the mirror could be two completely different things. No matter how gorgeous you think she is, she might have had something happen in her life which has left her self-esteem shot to shit. You have no idea.
Too affluent for you perhaps? Just because she’s wearing Manolo Blahik shoes and is sporting a Gucci handbag doesn’t mean she’s rich. For all you know, she works as a cashier in a supermarket and it’s taken her two years to save up for those accessories. The outfit she’s wearing could be the only decent outfit she owns.
Ok, too young for you then? She’s in her twenties and you’re in your forties. No dispute there, right? Well, not necessarily. Lots’ of younger girls are ok with older men. Hell, it could be that her father was in the armed forces when she was a little girl and spent a lot of time overseas. She might be chock to the brim with daddy issues and not only be ok with older men but actually actively crave older men. Again, you just don’t know.
In fact, the sum total of your knowledge of that girl when you say “Nah. Don’t bother” is precisely…fuck all.
And even if that weren’t the case, it’s irrelevant anyway. This is because there is a simple fact that womankind doesn’t’ want you to know. There is no such thing as a woman being out of a man’s league.
If you like the look of a lady, you don’t’ have to be in her league. You don’t even have to be playing the same sport. There are no leagues. There is no such thing as a girl who is too pretty for you or too affluent for you or too young for you. Though legal restrictions apply on that last one, obviously. Go around successfully seducing one of those “Brigitte Bardot” looking fifteen year olds they seem to be cranking out nowadays and you could end up in all sorts of trouble.
You could get your collar felt and your friends will shun you as a pervert. Unless you live in France of course, where the law doesn’t have a problem with it and your mates will embrace you as a “lucky bastard”.
If you don’t believe that there are no leagues when it comes to women, just open your eyes and have a little wander around the town or city you live in. You’ll soon notice beautiful women being squired around by men who look like they should be sitting in a pit at a carnival biting the heads off live chickens. Not walking around in broad daylight with an attractive female hanging onto their arm.
Everywhere you go, you will see couples who in, terms of physical attractiveness, make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I knew of a couple like this personally. She looked like a model. Lovely figure, beguiling blue eyes and cheek bones you could sharpen a pencil on. He, on the other hand, looked like somebody had shaved a monkey and stuck it in human clothing. Not a particularly photogenic monkey either. Not the sort of monkey you might find between the pages of National Geographic magazine or appearing on a David Attenborough documentary. He not only looked like a shaved monkey, he looked like a really ropey shaved monkey. But he was a nice shaved monkey and, above all, a funny shaved monkey.
And this is the point. I know it’s a cliché to say that you can laugh a woman into bed. But clichés are clichés because they get said a lot. And sometimes things get said a lot because they are true. This one is definitely true.
As Voltaire once famously said “Give me ten minutes to talk away my ugly face and I’ll bed the Queen of France” (Well, actually he probably didn’t say it and as far as I’m aware he never bedded the Queen of France, but the statement makes a valid point).
Henry Kissenger once bedded Jill St John. At the time, Mr Kissenger looked like this:
And Jill St John looked like this:
Now, I know the guy had money and power, but seriously, there’s not enough money or power in the whole world to make up for that disparity. So there must have been something else to it.
And here’s another thing womankind probably doesn’t want you to know. Women aren’t some sort of exotic, unfathomable separate species. It might seem that way sometimes, but they’re not. They’re just people, same as you. So when you talk to a woman, talk to her like you would one of your mates. Sure, flatter her a little bit but take the mickey out of her a little bit too, just like you would with your mates. Be a little bit cheeky.
“What if I can’t do that though?” I hear you cry. “Boring bastard me. I can’t make anyone laugh, never mind a girl that I fancy”. Doesn’t matter. You still have another option.
In the 1967 film Bedazzled, Peter Cook’s character offers Dudley Moore’s character this advice on seducing women:
“In the words of Marcel Proust- and this applies to any woman in the world: If you can stay up and listen with a fair degree of attention to whatever garbage, no matter how stupid it is, that they’re coming out with ‘til precisely ten past four in the morning….you’re in!”
So, next time you find yourself thinking “Nah. Don’t bother. She’s out of your league, mate” remember that you really have no way of knowing that for sure. And there’s only one way to find out. Good luck. And if you are a bit boring, just make sure she’s never seen the 1967 version of Bedazzled.
Copyright Michael Grimes 2016