Holy Smokes! – How God Wants You To Take Drugs And Why God Is Wrong


I don’t do drugs anymore. Not illegal ones, anyway. Though I am a 46 year old man, so naturally I take all sorts of pills and potions to stop my sorry old carcass from rattling apart when I walk down the street. But I don’t do the fun stuff nowadays.

I do drink though. Of course I do, I’m British. We are a nation of drunks. Brits are always either alcoholics or abstainers. Sometimes both. As Reginald D Hunter once put it: “You motherfuckers drink like Americans eat”.

I’m not a full on Keith Chegwin style, “waking up in a skip covered in your own puke” sort of alcoholic. Most Brits aren’t. They’re just “can’t sleep properly without a couple of glasses of wine” alcoholics.

Incidentally, in case you’re not British and don’t know who Keith Chegwin is, he’s a much loved television presenter who fell from grace because of an extremely heavy duty drinking problem. Here’s a picture of him doing a bit of television presenting:

keith chegwin naked penis_940x705

Yeah, I know what you’re all thinking. But this programme – Naked Jungle it was called- was filmed in an aircraft hangar in the middle of winter. So you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. And no, this is not the moment he fell from grace. He did this after he stopped drinking. So I can only imagine the crazy shit he got up to when he was still a boozer.

And if you are British, then no, I still can’t believe this happened either.

Alcohol is a natural drug. Granted, it’s technically yeast excrement, but then again honey is technically bee vomit. Doesn’t make honey any less delicious when you spread it on your breakfast toast.

Lots of drugs are natural substances. In fact, almost all of the really entertaining ones are. If there is a God, he left drugs fucking everywhere. I think he did this out of guilt.

After all, that whole “expulsion from Eden” thing was a massive set up. I mean, c’mon. “Whatever you do, never eat the fruit of that tree over there.” For an all seeing, all knowing deity, he didn’t seem to know human nature all that well.

I’m not an all seeing, all knowing deity but I do know one thing.

Lock a man in a plain white room with nothing but a chair and a big red button. Put a sign underneath that big red button which says “Under no circumstanced press this button”. Sooner or later, no matter what happens, the man is going to press that big red button.

Some men will hold out longer than others. There may be a bit of too-ing and fro-ing between the button and the chair. Perhaps a few times when the man’s hand hovers over the button for a couple seconds before he chickens out and sits back down on the chair. But trust me, that button is getting pressed one way or another.

All of us, male or female, have a mental version of this in our heads. An internal plain white room with a chair and a big red button in it. It’s called the “Fuck It Button” and we all press it for something eventually.

God knows this and he seems to have made the decision that He was a bit harsh when He expelled the human race from Eden. So He gave us dock leaves growing next to nettles to ease our pain. He could have just not given us nettles in the first place of course, but apparently God doesn’t think like that.

He also gave us opium to ease that “pain of childbirth” curse and He gave us the wherewithal to make beer to make that “sweat of your brow” thing a little more palatable.

And God misses us. He probably only made us in the first place because angels aren’t very stimulating company. Pious bastards. So He’s given us a few little opportunities to meet up with Him on a limited basis. He’s littered The Earth with peyote and magic mushrooms and all sorts of whacky flora to facilitate this.

This brief life is just temporary separation from God anyway, if you happen to believe in such things. The amount of exotic cacti and fungi and suchlike that enable you to feel His presence for a little while can’t be coincidence, surely?

Of course. God has also left a lot of plants lying around that enable us to be in His company on a much more permanent basis. Hemlock, Belladonna, Wolfsbane. The list is practically endless.

Sometimes God is a bit more sneaky than that though. He doesn’t always just make things poisonous in order to reunite us with Him. This is my favourite example of that sneakiness :


As you can see, it’s called the Gympie Gympie. It goes by many other names but it would take too long to list them all here so you can Google them yourself if you’re that interested. Actually, come to think of it I probably could have listed them all in the space it’s taken me to write this bit. I’m a contrary bastard though, so I do this sort of thing from time to time.

Anyway, one of the many names of this plant is “The Suicide Bush”. Its sting can remain painful for years and is so excruciating that people have been known to kill themselves rather than endure it. Nice one God. Thanks for that.

So, when God doesn’t want us to die, he wants us to get off our tits so we can hang out with him for a while. Then again, if you read The Bible, he also wants us to do lots of other stupid fucking things that are really and genuinely too numerous to list in this post. I mean, seriously, we’d be here all night.

I don’t believe in God. That’s the reason I don’t do drugs now. It’s definitely not because, as a 46 year old man, I’m too clapped out to handle them anymore.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2016



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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

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