Time Travel Unravelled – Why Time Travellers Are Walking Among Us And How To Spot Them
Stephen Hawking once asked the question: “If time travel is possible, where are the time travellers? Why haven’t we met any of them?” He even threw a party for the time travellers back in 2009. He didn’t send out the invites until after the party was over, in order to avoid the inevitable members of the “tinfoil hat” brigade turning up and pretending they were from the future. Or more like actually believing they were from the future.
Nobody turned up to the party. See?
Of course, we only have Hawking’s word for this. Highly suspicious if you ask me.
Hawking, despite his brilliance – and despite the fact he is clearly from the future himself- is wrong in stating that we haven’t encountered any time travellers. Apart from him, obviously. We have met them, They are everywhere. Only we don’t call them “time travellers” or “chrononauts”. We have a different word for them. Hipsters.
Time travel is the only possible explanation for Hipsters. It’s the only possible rational reason for them and their behaviour.
Consider all of the things that Hipsters do. Like growing ridiculous beards and skateboarding even though they are clearly well into their twenties- or in extreme cases- early thirties. Or moving to Hoxton and eating in “restaurants” that charge them eight quid for a bowl of cereal. Like wearing glasses, despite the fact that they have 20:20 vision. Or walking around wearing three quarter length trousers in the depths of winter.
The list goes on and on. Society looks on and says to itself: “Who the fuck are these tossers?” As I’ve said, the answer to this question is that they are time travellers from the future. The reason they think that all of the wanky things they do are socially acceptable is because, where they are from, they are socially acceptable.
In the future, men have ridiculous beards to shield their faces from the more powerful UV rays that reach the Earth through the heavily depleted ozone layer. There’s no more oil in the future, so everyone gets around on skateboards because there aren’t any cars. These visitors from another time don’t really understand the money of today, so they’re quite happy to cough up eight pounds for a bowl of cereal.
Having said that, Hipsters who wear glasses but don’t need them and sport shorts in winter are just tossers. Tossers from the future. There are tossers everywhere unfortunately. Everywhere and everywhen.
There is another possible explanation for Hipsters. It still involves time travellers, but not from the future. Consider the following photo of Hipster:
Now, I don’t know about you, but that looks very suspiciously like a 19th Century beard to me. Big, bushy Victorian face furniture. Maybe the time travellers have come to us, H G Wells style, from the past. The arrival of Hipsters is certainly oddly coincidental with the arrival of Steampunk.
If Hipsters are travellers from the past, then their behaviour is remarkably restrained. Read up about what men used to get up to in the Victorian era and you might become grateful that Hipsters are merely intensely annoying.
Still, whatever Hipsters are and wherever or whenever they came from, one thing is certain. They need to fuck off back there. Now.
© Copyright Michael Grimes 2015
Tags: 19th Century, Annoying, Beards, Chrononauts, H G Wells, hipsters, Hoxton, Party, skateboarding, Society, Steampunk, Stephen Hawking, The Future, Time Travel, Time Travellers, Tinfoil Hats, tossers, victorian
About thedailygrimeAt that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.
All I’ve got is this pen
Most recent rants from the Frank Zappa of writing
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Hurdles – How Martial Arts Have Taught Me Persistence Pays And Good Things Come To Those Who Wait
- I’m With Stupid – Who’s More Annoying, Clever People Or Stupid People?
- Exploring Your Inner Shelf – Why Every Straight Man Harbours A Secret Gay Refugee And How To Harness His Awesome Secret Powers
- There Can Be Only One – Soulmates, Dragons And Unicorn Sandwiches
- I Come From A Little Town You’ve Probably Never Heard Of – How My Only Meaningful Dream Is Actually Just One Big Joke
- Don't discover your #SpiritAnimal. CHOOSE your spirit animal. Choose the Honey Badger! #Tenacity #Determination thedailygrime.wordpress.com/2016/11/24/the… 6 days ago
- THE best #HammerHouseOfHorror ever made. #RudeAwakening dailymotion.com/video/x3gi8ud_… 1 week ago
- Nanas, Wrestling, Handguns and Drinking Bleach #1970s #1980s thedailygrime.wordpress.com/2016/08/29/bla… 2 weeks ago
- #TomLehrer comments on current world events. From 1967. #DonaldTrump #KimJongUn youtube.com/watch?v=TIoBro… 2 weeks ago
- From #KennyEverett's World's Worst Record Show. Check out the...erm..."trumpet solo" youtube.com/watch?v=9EEZAi… 2 weeks ago
Browse the Archives
- April 2017 (2)
- March 2017 (1)
- February 2017 (1)
- January 2017 (5)
- December 2016 (1)
- November 2016 (4)
- October 2016 (3)
- September 2016 (4)
- August 2016 (2)
- July 2016 (2)
- April 2016 (1)
- March 2016 (2)
- February 2016 (2)
- January 2016 (2)
- December 2015 (1)
- November 2015 (4)
- October 2015 (7)
- September 2015 (7)
- August 2015 (14)
- July 2015 (20)
- June 2015 (10)
- April 2015 (3)
- March 2015 (2)
- January 2015 (6)
- November 2014 (2)
- October 2014 (1)
- September 2014 (4)
- August 2014 (4)
- July 2014 (6)
- June 2014 (5)
- May 2014 (10)
- April 2014 (12)
- March 2014 (14)
- February 2014 (17)
- January 2014 (20)
- December 2013 (10)
- November 2013 (7)
- October 2013 (5)
- September 2013 (2)
- August 2013 (5)
- July 2013 (5)
- June 2013 (3)
- May 2013 (9)
- April 2013 (12)
- March 2013 (7)
- February 2013 (2)
- January 2013 (1)
- October 2011 (1)