Time Travel Unravelled – Why Time Travellers Are Walking Among Us And How To Spot Them

Stephen Hawking once asked the question: “If time travel is possible, where are the time travellers? Why haven’t we met any of them?” He even threw a party for the time travellers back in 2009. He didn’t send out the invites until after the party was over, in order to avoid the inevitable members of the “tinfoil hat” brigade turning up and pretending they were from the future. Or more like actually believing they were from the future.

Nobody turned up to the party. See?

Of course, we only have Hawking’s word for this. Highly suspicious if you ask me.

Hawking, despite his brilliance – and despite the fact he is clearly from the future himself- is wrong in stating that we haven’t encountered any time travellers. Apart from him, obviously. We have met them, They are everywhere. Only we don’t call them “time travellers” or “chrononauts”. We have a different word for them. Hipsters.

Time travel is the only possible explanation for Hipsters. It’s the only possible rational reason for them and their behaviour.

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Consider all of the things that Hipsters do. Like growing ridiculous beards and skateboarding even though they are clearly well into their twenties- or in extreme cases- early thirties. Or moving to Hoxton and eating in “restaurants” that charge them eight quid for a bowl of cereal. Like wearing glasses, despite the fact that they have 20:20 vision. Or walking around wearing three quarter length trousers in the depths of winter.

The list goes on and on. Society looks on and says to itself: “Who the fuck are these tossers?” As I’ve said, the answer to this question is that they are time travellers from the future. The reason they think that all of the wanky things they do are socially acceptable is because, where they are from, they are socially acceptable.

In the future, men have ridiculous beards to shield their faces from the more powerful UV rays that reach the Earth through the heavily depleted ozone layer. There’s no more oil in the future, so everyone gets around on skateboards because there aren’t any cars. These visitors from another time don’t really understand the money of today, so they’re quite happy to cough up eight pounds for a bowl of cereal.

Having said that,  Hipsters who wear glasses but don’t need them and sport shorts in winter are just tossers. Tossers from the future.  There are tossers everywhere unfortunately. Everywhere and everywhen.

There is another possible explanation for Hipsters. It still involves time travellers, but not from the future. Consider the following photo of Hipster:

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Now, I don’t know about you, but that looks very suspiciously like a 19th Century beard to me. Big, bushy Victorian face furniture. Maybe the time travellers have come to us, H G Wells style, from the past. The arrival of Hipsters is certainly oddly coincidental with the arrival of Steampunk.

If Hipsters are travellers from the past, then their behaviour is remarkably restrained. Read up about what men used to get up to in the Victorian era and you might become grateful that Hipsters are merely intensely annoying.

Still, whatever Hipsters are and wherever or whenever they came from, one thing is certain. They need to fuck off back there. Now.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2015

 

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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

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