Reservoir Pigs – Some Final Thoughts On The Pig Gate Scandal


Last week, I wrote a post on the subject of the Pig Gate Scandal. “The Ballad Of Pigfucker Dave”. In this post, I moaned about the fact that David Cameron was now going to be remembered as “Pigfucker Dave”, rather than for all the horrible government policies he has presided over. After all, him putting his todger in a dead pig’s mouth has taken no change out of my back pocket while his policies have definitely left me considerably poorer.

Looks like this fear may have been naïve on my part. Today’s newspapers are tomorrow’s fish and chip wrappers, as the saying goes. Though a more up to date phrase might be “Today’s newspapers are tomorrow’s litter tray liners”. The food safety people stopped chip shops wrapping their wares in newspaper long ago. I reckon fish and chips have never tasted the same since. Though that could be just my arthritic old nostalgia bone giving a bit of a twinge, possibly due to the change in the weather.

But anyway, whether or not fish and chips taste better out of newspaper –they do- is not the point of this post. The point of this post is to correct an inaccuracy in my original post. It was not at an initiation to The Bullingdon Club that Mr Cameron was necro-fellated by a dead pig’s head.

The Bullingdon is just a stupid drinking club whose members delight in getting absolutely steaming and then smashing up restaurants. You can see similar behaviour in working class males on any Friday night in any town in Britain. Though the members of these “drinking clubs” tend to get arrested and thrown in the cells. They don’t merrily pay for the damage and then go on to be Prime Minister, Chancellor of the Exchequer or Mayor of London.

No, the club that David Cameron put his manhood on the line for was a far more sinister one. It’s called The Piers Gaveston Society. While the Bullingdon is about honing the upper class instinct to despise the poor, Piers Gaveston is about forming alliances and making sure that loyalty to those alliances is absolutely assured.

This is why they have outrageous and outlandish sexual initiation rituals. How do you get a bunch of toffs who’ve all been brought up to think that they are top of the heap to cooperate with each other and rule the country? Why, good old fashioned blackmail of course!

When the members of this club leave university and go on to be powerful men, they all have dirt they could dish on each other at any moment. If there are any disagreements, then being influential and also having been a member of Piers Gaveston is a bit like this:


Or actually, come to think of it, more like this:


Don’t toe the line and you face some very embarrassing revelations, and being Prime Minister is no guarantee of protection.  As David Cameron has recently found out.

Having found out this information in an excellent article on a website called The Leveller –here’s a link if you haven’t read it: ( – I did a bit of research on the Piers Gaveston Society. Naturally, there have been several articles written on the subject since Pig Gate broke.

I was surprised to find that most of these articles were about how boring the Piers Gaveston Society’s parties are. I think there are two possible explanations for this.

Firstly, it’s feasible that the members of the society are up to constant shenanigans on a daily basis. It’s perfectly reasonable to assume that by time they get around to organizing an actual party, they might have run out of steam a bit. If you want to see a wild party, get a bunch of repressed librarians together. Pour drink down their necks until they press their internal “fuck it” buttons and then sit back and watch the fireworks. I’d pay good money to be an innocent bystander at that particular shindig.

A second possible explanation for journalists writing about the boringness of Piers Gaveston parties is that they are trying to discredit the whole “Pig Gate” thing and get it to go away as quickly as possible. Maybe they’re sick to death of writing about it and want David Cameron to get back to the business of ruining the country. Something he has been, to be fair to him, pretty dedicated to over the years.

The internet spread the Pig Gate story with astonishing rapidity. But internet infernos burn  out quickly. It won’t be long before “Which Prime Minister stuck his dick in a dead pig’s mouth?” is one of those tricky pub quiz questions that you know you should be able to answer but somehow can’t.

Pig Gate’s been a bundle of laughs, but the party’s nearly over now. The hosts are looking at their watches and there’s only the horrible sickly coloured bottles of liqueur that they bought on holiday in Spain left to drink. So the sooner we get back to disapproving of David Cameron for his cruel policies, rather than for what he did with his cock at University, the better.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2015



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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

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