Reservoir Pigs – Some Final Thoughts On The Pig Gate Scandal
Last week, I wrote a post on the subject of the Pig Gate Scandal. “The Ballad Of Pigfucker Dave”. In this post, I moaned about the fact that David Cameron was now going to be remembered as “Pigfucker Dave”, rather than for all the horrible government policies he has presided over. After all, him putting his todger in a dead pig’s mouth has taken no change out of my back pocket while his policies have definitely left me considerably poorer.
Looks like this fear may have been naïve on my part. Today’s newspapers are tomorrow’s fish and chip wrappers, as the saying goes. Though a more up to date phrase might be “Today’s newspapers are tomorrow’s litter tray liners”. The food safety people stopped chip shops wrapping their wares in newspaper long ago. I reckon fish and chips have never tasted the same since. Though that could be just my arthritic old nostalgia bone giving a bit of a twinge, possibly due to the change in the weather.
But anyway, whether or not fish and chips taste better out of newspaper –they do- is not the point of this post. The point of this post is to correct an inaccuracy in my original post. It was not at an initiation to The Bullingdon Club that Mr Cameron was necro-fellated by a dead pig’s head.
The Bullingdon is just a stupid drinking club whose members delight in getting absolutely steaming and then smashing up restaurants. You can see similar behaviour in working class males on any Friday night in any town in Britain. Though the members of these “drinking clubs” tend to get arrested and thrown in the cells. They don’t merrily pay for the damage and then go on to be Prime Minister, Chancellor of the Exchequer or Mayor of London.
No, the club that David Cameron put his manhood on the line for was a far more sinister one. It’s called The Piers Gaveston Society. While the Bullingdon is about honing the upper class instinct to despise the poor, Piers Gaveston is about forming alliances and making sure that loyalty to those alliances is absolutely assured.
This is why they have outrageous and outlandish sexual initiation rituals. How do you get a bunch of toffs who’ve all been brought up to think that they are top of the heap to cooperate with each other and rule the country? Why, good old fashioned blackmail of course!
When the members of this club leave university and go on to be powerful men, they all have dirt they could dish on each other at any moment. If there are any disagreements, then being influential and also having been a member of Piers Gaveston is a bit like this:
Or actually, come to think of it, more like this:
Don’t toe the line and you face some very embarrassing revelations, and being Prime Minister is no guarantee of protection. As David Cameron has recently found out.
Having found out this information in an excellent article on a website called The Leveller –here’s a link if you haven’t read it: (http://theleveller.org/2015/09/british-really-laughing/) – I did a bit of research on the Piers Gaveston Society. Naturally, there have been several articles written on the subject since Pig Gate broke.
I was surprised to find that most of these articles were about how boring the Piers Gaveston Society’s parties are. I think there are two possible explanations for this.
Firstly, it’s feasible that the members of the society are up to constant shenanigans on a daily basis. It’s perfectly reasonable to assume that by time they get around to organizing an actual party, they might have run out of steam a bit. If you want to see a wild party, get a bunch of repressed librarians together. Pour drink down their necks until they press their internal “fuck it” buttons and then sit back and watch the fireworks. I’d pay good money to be an innocent bystander at that particular shindig.
A second possible explanation for journalists writing about the boringness of Piers Gaveston parties is that they are trying to discredit the whole “Pig Gate” thing and get it to go away as quickly as possible. Maybe they’re sick to death of writing about it and want David Cameron to get back to the business of ruining the country. Something he has been, to be fair to him, pretty dedicated to over the years.
The internet spread the Pig Gate story with astonishing rapidity. But internet infernos burn out quickly. It won’t be long before “Which Prime Minister stuck his dick in a dead pig’s mouth?” is one of those tricky pub quiz questions that you know you should be able to answer but somehow can’t.
Pig Gate’s been a bundle of laughs, but the party’s nearly over now. The hosts are looking at their watches and there’s only the horrible sickly coloured bottles of liqueur that they bought on holiday in Spain left to drink. So the sooner we get back to disapproving of David Cameron for his cruel policies, rather than for what he did with his cock at University, the better.
© Copyright Michael Grimes 2015
Tags: blackmail, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Chip Shops, David Cameron, drinking, fish and chips, Journalists, Librarians, Mayor of London, Newspapers, nostalgia, Parties, Piers Gaveston Society, Pig Gate, Prime Minister, pub quiz, Reservoir Dogs, Sexual Initiation, Shindig, The Bullingdon Club, The Fuck It Button, The Leveller, university
About thedailygrimeAt that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.
All I’ve got is this pen
Most recent rants from the Frank Zappa of writing
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Hurdles – How Martial Arts Have Taught Me Persistence Pays And Good Things Come To Those Who Wait
- I’m With Stupid – Who’s More Annoying, Clever People Or Stupid People?
- Exploring Your Inner Shelf – Why Every Straight Man Harbours A Secret Gay Refugee And How To Harness His Awesome Secret Powers
- There Can Be Only One – Soulmates, Dragons And Unicorn Sandwiches
- I Come From A Little Town You’ve Probably Never Heard Of – How My Only Meaningful Dream Is Actually Just One Big Joke
- Don't discover your #SpiritAnimal. CHOOSE your spirit animal. Choose the Honey Badger! #Tenacity #Determination thedailygrime.wordpress.com/2016/11/24/the… 1 week ago
- THE best #HammerHouseOfHorror ever made. #RudeAwakening dailymotion.com/video/x3gi8ud_… 2 weeks ago
- Nanas, Wrestling, Handguns and Drinking Bleach #1970s #1980s thedailygrime.wordpress.com/2016/08/29/bla… 2 weeks ago
- #TomLehrer comments on current world events. From 1967. #DonaldTrump #KimJongUn youtube.com/watch?v=TIoBro… 3 weeks ago
- From #KennyEverett's World's Worst Record Show. Check out the...erm..."trumpet solo" youtube.com/watch?v=9EEZAi… 3 weeks ago
Browse the Archives
- April 2017 (2)
- March 2017 (1)
- February 2017 (1)
- January 2017 (5)
- December 2016 (1)
- November 2016 (4)
- October 2016 (3)
- September 2016 (4)
- August 2016 (2)
- July 2016 (2)
- April 2016 (1)
- March 2016 (2)
- February 2016 (2)
- January 2016 (2)
- December 2015 (1)
- November 2015 (4)
- October 2015 (7)
- September 2015 (7)
- August 2015 (14)
- July 2015 (20)
- June 2015 (10)
- April 2015 (3)
- March 2015 (2)
- January 2015 (6)
- November 2014 (2)
- October 2014 (1)
- September 2014 (4)
- August 2014 (4)
- July 2014 (6)
- June 2014 (5)
- May 2014 (10)
- April 2014 (12)
- March 2014 (14)
- February 2014 (17)
- January 2014 (20)
- December 2013 (10)
- November 2013 (7)
- October 2013 (5)
- September 2013 (2)
- August 2013 (5)
- July 2013 (5)
- June 2013 (3)
- May 2013 (9)
- April 2013 (12)
- March 2013 (7)
- February 2013 (2)
- January 2013 (1)
- October 2011 (1)