The Ballad Of Pigfucker Dave – The Secret Agenda Behind The Pig Gate Scandal
Poor David Cameron. Poor, poor (obscenely rich and achingly privileged) David Cameron. He’s been somewhat stabbed in the back by The Daily Mail, hasn’t he?
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few days, you’ll know that The Daily Mail has been serialising a derogatory biography of our current Prime Minister and they kicked off this serialisation with allegations that David Cameron, as part of a Bullingdon Club initiation ritual, stuck his manhood in a dead pig’s mouth. An incident which is now being referred to as “Pig Gate”.
Also, unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few decades, you should also be aware that The Daily Mail is a teensy bit right wing. Not actually fascist per se, but definitely Tory. Definitely heavily tinged with colour blue. It’s not a newspaper that is generally regarded as the natural predator of current Conservative Prime Ministers.
So, today’s burning question is this : “Why did such a newspaper run the Pig Gate story in the first place?”
To puzzle out the answer to that, you have to go back to a principle I first learned in a joke I heard when I was a teenager. The joke is called the “Cocksucker Ken” joke. Or it was when I first heard it anyway. It goes something like this:
A young man walks into a pub, orders a drink and sits at the bar. As he is drinking the first mouthfuls of his pint, and older gentleman walks in. He is immediately greeted by his fellow patrons.
“Hello, cocksucker Ken!” they cry.
The old gent nods unenthusiastic acknowledgement and heads to the bar.
“What can I get you, cocksucker Ken?” enquires the barman.
“Pint of bitter” the old man mumbles. He gets his drink and then perches on the barstool next to the young man.
The young man is understandably a bit perplexed by all this. After a couple more pints, he plucks up the courage ask the obvious question. He turns to the older gentleman and says:
“Sorry if this seems a bit rude, but what’s all this cocksucker Ken business?”
The older man turns his sad and rheumy eyes towards him and says:
“When I was a youth, I was the youngest man ever to climb Everest. Do people call me Mountaineer Ken? They do not. Later, I went to university, where I qualified as a doctor. I spent the first few years of my medical career volunteering with Doctors Without Borders. Do people call me Doctor Ken? They do not. I also acquired my pilot’s licence, eventually flying helicopters. Do people call me Helicopter Ken? They do not. You can achieve any number of fantastic things in your life, but you suck one cock…..”
Bill Clinton fell foul of this principle many years ago. When he left office, he had balanced America’s budget and accrued a $280 billion surplus. Well, okay, we all know that Hillary was really President and Bill was just a charismatic figurehead. But back then, Hillary needed that charismatic figurehead. Whatever Bill’s job actually was, he did it very successfully.
How Bill is remembered? He’s remembered as the “stain-on-the-dress” President. The “cigar-up-the-pussy” President. The President who had an affair with one of his interns (and not even a particularly attractive one).
And now it’s David Cameron’s turn for the “Cocksucker Ken” treatment. This is totally unfair and the reason it is totally unfair is this. David Cameron has done far more despicable things that sticking his dick in a dead pig’s mouth.
He introduced The Bedroom Tax, a penalty which is specifically aimed at the poorest and most vulnerable members of society. Will he be remembered as Tyrant Dave? He will not.
He has re-introduced anti-union legislation which was abandoned as unacceptable back in 1973. The 1970s was not a particularly enlightened decade, by the way, in case you’re too young to remember it. It was an era of cavemen. Will Mr Cameron be remembered as Caveman Dave? He will not.
He has sold off bits of publicly owned entities such as the NHS and RBS to his rich mates at knock-down prices. Will he be remembered as Highwayman Dave? He will not.
Because he stuck his cock in a deceased pig’s face when he was a student, he will now be forever remembered as Pigfucker Dave.
The BBC’s news arm has refused to touch this story with a bargepole. Which is odd given the amount of accusations of left wing bias that are constantly aimed at it. Tory Prime Minister was once fellated by a dead pig? You’d think a bunch of left wing media types would be all over that like cheap suit. But they’re not, are they?
That’s because they are doing their best to get “Pig Gate” to die as soon as possible. So that Mr Cameron might have a chance to be remembered for all the contemptuous government policies he’s presided over.
That’s probably not going to happen though, thanks to The Daily Mail. This right wing rag hasn’t stabbed David Cameron in the back at all. It has given him a free pass to be remembered for a youthful indiscretion rather than for, say, introducing disability benefit rules so strict that many of the applicants actually died before their appeals were heard. Quite a large proportion of them due to suicide.
This whole “Pig Gate” debacle is due, ultimately, to David Cameron being inducted into The Bullingdon Club. A club whose central ethos is total and utter contempt for the poor. As part of his initiaition, as well as indulging in zoophilic necrophilia, David also burnt a £50 note in front of a homeless person. Of those two acts, I know which one I find more repellent.
That our current Prime Minister will now be remembered as “Pigfucker Dave” rather than as the man who issued so many inhumane government edicts is a scandal. But it’s not as scandalous as the fact that the British public voted him in as Prime Minister in the first place.
© Copyright Michael Grimes 2015