BLIND HATES – Why Your Friends Are Not Really On Your Side When You Are Trying To Find Romance and How To Spot When They Are Stitching You Up

Speed Dating? Oh Dear. This Requires Qaaludes, Mescaline And A Smattering Of Ether.

When you’ve been “on the market again” for a certain amount of time, your friends will inevitably start trying to set you up on dates. This is because, to them, “on the market again” is a euphemism for “on the shelf”. This is what blind dates are all about: euphemisms. You know you should turn these nightmares down, because your friends won’t show you any pictures of, or give you any solid information about the other person beforehand. Spoils the surprise apparently. However, friends being friends and you being a bit rubbish, you don’t refuse. They are your mates and you sort of trust them and don’t want to let them down. Or there was that one time when the person turned out to be the gorgeous, talented love of your life (you fucked that up royally, but that wasn’t your friends’ fault). Or maybe you’re just gasping for a shag. Whatever the reason, like a fool you agree.

So here’s a field guide to the little code words and cryptic phrases which will be used to describe that potential partner, should you be allowing yourself to be set up for reason three, and let’s face it, you are. They are your mates after all; they don’t want to sucker you entirely, so there will be some tiny clues. Let’s start with the most obvious one. Most of us would spot this one a mile off, but going through it in a bit of detail should help break you in gently for the rest of the list.

You’ll like her, she’s really BUBBLY

This Particular Batch Of “Emotion Lotion” Had To Be Recalled Due To Safety Concerns.

Unless you have lumbered through your life with your eyes and ears open only just enough to allow you to avoid being hit by the traffic, you will be aware that BUBBLY is just another way of stating one of two things about a girl:

  1. shaggable but extremely irritating
  2. genuinely good company, but fat

Unfortunately, usually the former. I say unfortunately because you can have a good night out and a great shag with number two if you’re willing to swallow a bit of pride or even just admit your true sexual proclivities to yourself. With number one, however, you will only get the shag (possibly) and it will usually be a ropey and indifferent one, with her either being silent as a corpse or yammering on all the way through.

You’ve certainly bumped into this exasperating harpy in a nightclub. She will be either alarmingly pale or ludicrously over tanned. The pushy one who doesn’t wait for you to ask if you can buy her a drink or follow you when you go outside for a fag to see if you’re up for a bit of smirting. Here’s a typical nightclub exchange, with subtext and the reply you should give:

Bubbly Girl : “You going to buy me a drink then?”

(Subtext): Hello! I’m bubbly! Buy me loads of drinks and listen to me witter on about myself you might just get lucky! Actually, you won’t because when you look like making any kind of move I’ll just drift over to my next victim. Then the next. And so on until I meet up with my tit of a boyfriend at the end of the night.

You : “No thanks sweetheart. I’ve been around the block too many times to fall for that bollocks.”

(Subtext): Bubbly, eh? Well, so’s a pan of chips, but I wouldn’t put precious parts of my anatomy in one of those either. And I certainly wouldn’t stand there burning fivers for the privilege of trying and listening to its “thoughts” into the bargain. Fuck off.

Of course, what you actually say is this:

You: “Ok, what would you like?”

(Subtext): Yes! Yes, vampire lady. I’ll buy you all the drinks you like. Drain me, drain me dry. No, I meant my bodily fluids not my bank account. Ah well, never mind.

If you must allow yourself to be dragged into this scenario, always use the rude reply. There’s an outside chance it may get your foot in the door for a revenge shag after she’s had the inevitable end of night blazing row with the tit of a boyfriend.

Incidentally, if you are one of these girls and have torn yourself away from the full length mirror for long enough to read this, here’s a tip for you. Your mark will be nodding and smiling in the appropriate places. He will be sneaking furtive but flirty glances at your artfully presented charms as you regale him with tales of shoes and shopping and how clever your cat is. What he is actually hearing from you is a sort of background impersonation of Beaker from The Muppet show. “Mee, mee, meee, mee…” etc.

Now, we know you can’t get to confession on Saturday mornings because you’re always otherwise engaged, so here’s what you do. Wait until you have been talking for seven minutes, then if you have anything terrible to get off your chest, tell him. He won’t flinch no matter how revolting you revelation, because he isn’t listening to a blind word you say.

“You’ll like him, he’s clever”

Justin Bieber Before The Big “Make Over”.

Clever? No, he’s just a computer geek, I’m afraid. If he was clever for any other reason, your friends would have mentioned that specifically. Not really worth bothering with unless you need your hard drive de bugging.

“You’ll like her, she’s clever”

If Only. You Could Spot The Fuckers Much More Easily If This Were The Case.

In a word, opinionated. Probably nothing wrong with her in terms of physical attractiveness. In fact, irony dictates that she’ll probably be stunning. This one can be a minor flaw, or it can be a monster; it all depends on the opinions held. At one end of the spectrum, she might just be a feminist. Yes, I thought they’d gone the way of Chopper bikes and Swingball too, but all three are evidently making another comeback. She will have the one advantage of not being emotionally unstable. Her moods will be either angry or sulky, so you will know exactly where you stand. At the other end she may be a full blown Nazi. If circumstances dictate a choice between the two then choose the Nazi, as the likelihood is she’ll have some interesting uniforms to play with.

“He/she is complicated”

Your friends bring this one out to make the person seem windswept and interesting. It is actually just a sub division of CLEVER. This date will be intelligent, yet not a computer geek. He or she will, however, be madder than a sock full of ferrets. The conversation will be charming, witty and urbane, until the wrong number of ice cubes goes in their drink, or the beer mats form a particular pattern on the table. Then it’s “Thank you, I’ll have to wear something purple for a month now, otherwise my dog will die.” Not usually dangerous and mostly fun to be with. If you are willing to put up with the randomness, the trick is holding their attention long enough for them to have sex with you.

“She’s really exotic”

Foxy Cleopatra. Comin’ Atcha!

This is your sexual lucky dip. In this country, all this guarantees you is that she’s not so pale as to be almost transparent. She could be a seven foot Chinese girl with a ginger afro. On the other hand, she might be that spunky bit of latin velvet you’ve been saving yourself up for. The type who rarely get asked out because everyone, even the handsome wankers, assume she’s already spoken for. Only to be taken up on if you’re a gambling man.

“He/she is really DEEP”

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat. What Have They Been Feeding You..

Oh dear. This is a biggy, I’m afraid. The person in question is, of course, not deep. Very much the opposite in fact. Let’s start from first principles by considering a few facts about people who are actually deep.

  1. They are breathtakingly rare
  2. They think things which you and I could not possibly understand
  3. They need the odd spot of help feeding themselves, tying their shoelaces etc
  4. They never, ever say to anyone “I’m really deep, me”

Being deep is, in short, a disability. These people are a type of savant. However, thinking that you are deep is also a disability, and it’s the one your prospective date is suffering from.

Now, we all suffer a stage which involves delusions of deepness, usually between the ages of thirteen and twenty. We write fucking awful poetry and lock ourselves in our rooms. We think the world doesn’t understand us, which is ironic because it is us who don’t understand the world. . You need to be really desperate for sex to wade through all their bullshit first. You are also quite likely to slap them around the face and scream “Fucking grow up” before anything starts to get squelchy.

All this is assuming you have the patience to hire the latest potholing equipment to extricate them from their own arsehole. And then to enlist the help of some professional mountaineers to launch an expedition for them to get over themselves

Lastly, do not be fooled by the exchange of the word “deep” for the dating website substitute “thoughtful”. It doesn’t mean thoughtful as in “buys you little presents”, it means thoughtful as in “thinks way too much for their own or anyone else’s good”. As in deep. QED.

“She’s just right for you”

Right Then. Car Keys In the Fruit Bowl Gentlemen.

What your (undoubtedly female) friend means is just right for her. Right to fit in as your partner in social situations such as parties, particularly dinner parties. The sort of girl who can gently brow beat you out of your more excessive behaviour. The sort of girl who can cajole you into going to something as pointless as a dinner party in the first place. A dinner party is, after all, just a good drink spoiled. Of course, that’s just my personal opinion; and the personal opinion of every heterosexual man who is having a moment of self honesty. This girl will be the one who “complements” your personality. In other words, your nemesis.

Should you be tempted, the way to handle this is to drop the usual first date pussy footing. Say exactly what you think, when you think it and fuck the consequences If nothing is to come of it, she’ll soon get the message and leave. If there is any chemistry between you – it’s amazing how often there is in these cases – then hold on to your hat. You’re in for one hell of a bumpy ride. Literally.This is because of the unique qualities your initial sexual encounter will have:

a)      naturally there will be the excitement of a new body to explore

b)      It will also be make up sex, due to the disagreements you will have had during the date. Double whammy !

“He’s a great laugh”

Smooootthhh

This man will be one of two things. He will be overweight, and probably short, or tall and gangly. Both varieties will be excellent company and, unsurprisingly, sexually inexperienced. Whether or not you grant either of these gentlemen a mercy fuck will depend on your generosity/level of desperation. Bear in mind, though, that the gangly one, due to the universal laws of comedy, will have a cock like a rounders bat.

“He/she will be a challenge for you”

So I Take It This Means You’re Not Interested In Her Then.

This is the one euphemism we can’t help you with. DO NOT GO ON THIS DATE. The moment these words have left your “friend’s” lips, explain that you need a word in private. Once you have them on their own, punish them until they agree to call it off. Get them in a neck lock, flush their head in the toilet, anything. This blind date is a dangerous lunatic who will suck the juicy marrow out of your life and cackle as they hand you back the empty husk. Your so called friend is taking the piss. Disown this friend immediately.

If this date is the idea of a group of friends then we suggest getting out of town immediately. You’ve wandered into some sort of bizarre Stepford/Royston Vazey situation. Best to let them eat your dust as they run after you shaking their fists, their frustrated cries of “one of us, one of us” fading behind you.

So that’s it. One last tip though, assuming you’re not currently being pursued along the A47 by the fenland mafia. Don’t ever ask any blind date how your mutual friends described you to them. They probably haven’t read this and might not be tactful.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013

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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

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