Yes, It Fucking Did Hurt When I Fell From Heaven – The Conversation That Led To Lucifer’s Fall From Grace

Bugger!

Bugger!

It’s a lovely morning in Heaven –as it always is – and God is working at his Celestial Drawing Board. Lucifer comes in to bring him his morning pot of tea.

God : Hello Lucifer. You’re looking particularly luminous this morning.

Lucifier : I am merely a prism who refracts your blinding magnificence Lord. I’ve brought you a plate of ginger biscuits with your tea this morning

God: Oh, excellent. Do feel free to help yourself to both. Pull up a seat. There’s something I want to show you

Lucifer : Putting the finishing touches on creation I assume. Whee-hee!

God : Stop spinning on the swivel chair old boy, and pay attention. Nice biscuits, by the way.

Lucifer : Sorry Lord. You know how much I like swivel chairs. Gabriel baked the biscuits, by the way. He’s good with that sort of thing.

God : Yes. Beautiful hand stitching on his robes and on his general raiment. Anyway, pay attention. I’ve finished the stars and the galaxies and suchlike

Lucifer : And stunning they are too Lord

God : They are, aren’t they? I’ve also completed the Pulsars and Quasars.

Lucifer : Equally spectacular

God : And the Black Holes

Lucifer : Yeah…I’ve always been a bit dubious about those, to be honest Lord. They seem a bit dangerous. Don’t they just swallow everything up after a while?

God : Nah, they evaporate eventually and you have to make more. Besides, I need them to sort of nail everything in place. Otherwise everything’s all a bit too wobbly and nobody will be able to drink their tea without spilling it.

Lucifer : Oh, ok. What else then?

God : Well, when you’ve stopped playing with the height setting on the swivel chair, I’ll tell you.

Lucifer : It’s Earth, isn’t it?

God : What makes you say that? What makes you think my next subject of conversation will be Earth?

Lucifer : Because you’re fucking obsessed with it. It’s just a damp little speck of rock in the middle of nowhere. I don’t understand the fascination.

God : Well it’s a fascinating place Lucifer. It’s got oceans.

Lucifer : Which you put there.

God : It’s got rivers and mountains and life!

Lucifer : Again, which you put there.

God : (Leaning in and whispering conspiratorially) And it’s got Humans

Lucifer : Oh, again with the humans. They’re just shaved monkeys who can’t stop killing each other.

God : Marvellous aren’t they?

Lucifer : Not really. They’re a bunch of promiscuous murdering cunts in general. And you could have designed them a bit better. I mean, the appendix. What’s that for except for bursting open and killing them? And why did you give the men nipples? They don’t actually do anything.

God : They’re not that bad. Anyway, I didn’t want to show you humans. There’s a couple of little additions I wanted to run by you. You are my right hand man after all.

Lucifer : Like what.

God : Well, the first is called the Praying Mantis.

Lucifer : Praying? I’ve never heard that word before. What does it mean?

God : We’ll come to that later. For now, let’s just say that the praying mantis is a kind of insect.

Lucifer : Oh dear, not another one. You’ve made millions of those already and they’re all disgusting.

God : Ah, but this is a very special kind of insect.

Lucifer : Really, how?

God : Well, the female is much bigger and more powerful than the male. And when they mate, the female lops off the male’s head with her formidable mouth parts but, and this is the clever bit, there’s a tiny little brain inside the male’s body which means that he can carry on pumping away and finish the job, even if the female continues to eat him

Lucifer : Oh well, that’s all right then.

God : There’s no need to be sarcastic

Lucifer : Sorry Lord. Let’s put this Praying Mantis thingy on the back burner for now. What was the other thing?

God : Well, this one’s really good. It’s called The Angler Fish

Lucifer : The Angler Fish

God : Yes Lucifer, The Angler Fish. Now, the female is much bigger and more powerful than the male….

Lucifer : What’s all this stuff about the female being bigger and more powerful than the male? Have you got some sort of fetish you’re not telling me about or something?

God : (Looking at Lucifer slightly askance) The female is much bigger and more powerful than the male, and when they mate..

Lucifer : Oh, here we go

God : Will you stop fucking interrupting! When they mate, the male sticks to the female and hitches a free ride. He is slowly absorbed by the female until he is just a pair of eyeballs embedded in her side.

Lucifer : You’ve gone fucking mental again. Have you stopped taking your meds?

God : What do you mean by that?

Lucifer : Multiple Personality Disorder, Lord. All I’m saying is that the bloke I’m talking to now isn’t the same bloke who cordially offered to share his tea and biscuits with me a few minutes ago. Dealing with you is like dealing with two different people. Three different people in fact, when it’s really bad

God : You remember who you’re talking to Lucifer. You should be praying I don’t start to do a bit of smiting.

Lucifer : Oh, it’s bad if you talk about smiting. And there’s that word again. Praying. What does it mean?

God : (Brightening up a bit) Ah, I’m glad you asked that. It’s a new thing I’m thinking of trying out on the Humans.

Lucifer : What is it then?

God : Well, it’s a sort of request system. They close their eyes say all sorts of stuff about how brilliant I am and then they tag a little bit on the end where they ask for what they want. That’s their prayer and I answer it.

Lucifer : So presumably you say no quite a lot then

God : Well, obviously. You can’t give everyone everything they want.

Lucifer : So basically you ignore them most of the time.

God : I don’t answer them all personally, if that’s what you mean. I can’t be everywhere at once.

Lucifer : Yes you can, you’re Omnipresent

God : Don’t be such a smartarse Lucifer. Remember I’m also Omniscient and Omnipotent

Lucifer : You can’t be Omniscient and Omnipotent at the same time. If you’re Omniscient you know everything that’s going to happen, so everything is therefore pre-ordained. If it’s pre-ordained then you can’t do anything about it. Therefore you can’t be Omnipotent. QED.

God : Right, that’s it! Are you with me in my ineffable and mysterious plan or what?

Lucifer : You already know the answer to that.

God : Oh, fuck off.

Lucifer : There’s no need to be like that.

God : Are you with me or not Lucifer? It’s a yes or no answer.

Lucifer : Well, bearing in mind the praying mantis and the angler fish and nipples that don’t serve any useful purpose, not to mention the exploding appendix,  I have to say I’m veering towards no.

God : Right then, It’s Hell for you then my lad.

Lucifer : Oh, fire and brimstone is it? Do me a favour.

God : Hell isn’t fire and brimstone Lucifer, it is merely separation from me.

Lucifer : Sounds pretty good to me at this precise moment Lord.

At this point, God moves in a mysterious way and the heavenly host appear, fronted by Gabriel. Gabriel is wearing a pinny and oven gloves and is holding a tray of hot scones.

God : Get him boys!

Gabriel : (Looking down sadly at his tray of fresh baked scones) They came out lovely n’all.

Gabriel then belts Lucifer around the head with the hot baking tray. Scones fly everywhere and the rest of the heavenly host manhandle Lucifer out of heaven. After a brief fracas, order is restored.

God : Right then lads. I’ve had an idea to promote this new Prayer thing. I’m going to call it…Organized Religion.

(Collective groan from the heavenly host, except Gabriel who is trying to rescue his stricken baking)

Gabriel : ( Dusting off some of his less damaged pastries)  Scone anyone?

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013

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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

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