Awkward! – Why I Find The World’s Puzzlement At Miley Cyrus’ And Justin Bieber’s Behaviour Equally Puzzling
I’m sorry to break this news, but Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber aren’t children anymore. She’s not a cute tween and he’s no longer the floppy haired boy next door.I don’t know whether this is just a British point of view, but where I live Miley’s been old enough to get married in for six years now. She’s been old enough to smoke and drink for four years. Bieber’s been old enough to join the Army for five years, and he’s got tattoos. Real ones. Legal ones. Miley and Justin are coming of age.
Miley is being criticized for her on stage behaviour, particularly the twerking at the MTV Awards and the video to “Wrecking Ball”. Too Sexy! is the cry. Well no, not really. Firstly, there’s nothing sexy about twerking. It’s pretty comical and I’m not sure I could keep a straight face if a girl twerked me, even if she did have an ass like Miley’s.
Secondly, the video for “Wrecking Ball” is just weird. For most of it, Miss Cyrus looks like she’s turned up to a PE lesson at school without her kit and has been made to do the lesson in her vest and pants. That’s when she not doing some sort of weird Sinead O’Connor “Nothing Compares To You” impersonation or licking a sledgehammer. I mean, licking a sledgehammer. That’s disgusting in so many ways.
Evidently, the hammer is supposed to represent a cock. I didn’t find it remotely erotic. All that image did was remind me of a cartoon I invented when I was stoned. It was called “Revenge Of The Hammer Cocked Sex Monkeys” and was about a mad scientist who crosses hammerhead sharks with Bonobo Chimps, with terrifying and hilarious results. Needless to say, once the image of sex crazed chimps with double headed cocks was put in my head, it kind of made it difficult for me to get excited when Miley actually got naked.
The world appears to be in shock at Miley getting naked, but Miley was always going to get naked. She was born to fame. Her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus, so she knows the score. She knows you have to make the transition from little girl to woman and if a few feathers get ruffled on the way and a bit of free publicity is generated, where’s the harm? She knows she’s not the next Joni Mitchell, so the time had come to flash the flesh. It’s not as if she didn’t give the world a hint beforehand. Her character in Two And A Half Men was slutty and half naked most of the time.
Miley may have been born to be famous, but Mr Bieber was not. He was plucked from the obscurity of his Canadian bedroom when he was fourteen. A couple of years ago, was nicked for racing a Lamborghini on the streets of Miami, apparently drunk as a skunk. When that happened, the predictable cry came from the public : Why would he behave like that? He was such a nice young man.
The question should really have been: “Why wouldn’t he behave like that?” The entire world has been telling him that he is absolutely fantastic for the last seven years. His fans are fiercely loyal and defend him to the hilt no matter what he’s done. His entourage enable his every whim and parental discipline is never applied because Justin’s dad is the ring leader of said entourage. Throw virtually unlimited money into the mix and I’d be an unbearable twat by now in his position.
This makes me think that all this bad behaviour is perhaps a bit of an act. Little girls might like the sweet boy next door, but teenagers and girls in their twenties like bastards for some unfathomable reason. Bieber’s fans are growing up too. The one’s that aren’t forty-year-old homosexuals, that is. So Justin has had to change, just like Miley. Maybe this is part of a carefully planned re-branding. Bit of high jinx, a little spell in jail and a trip to rehab. Job done.
Whatever the case, it’s likely that Miley will tone down her flesh flashing and try to gain some sort of proper reputation as an artist. Either that or she’ll keep re-inventing herself in sexier and sexier incarnations until she’s too old for it to be plausible any more. Whatever happens, she’ll be ok.
As for Mr Bieber, I hope this attempt to turn his life into a one man Vanilla Ice tribute act is just that. An act. I’m not his biggest fan, but it would be a shame to see him washed up at 25 or joining Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin in the “dead at 27” club.
© Copyright Michael Grimes 2014