The Vanishing Rain Forest – How Human Body Hair Is Definitive Proof That Aliens Exist



People who believe in aliens generally fall into three categories. There’s scientists who think any alien life we find will be microbial and are searching for it on Mars. Then there’s the people at SETI, people like Frank Drake, who think that alien life will be advanced and are currently trying to communicate with it. Then there’s the David Icke’s of this world, who believe that aliens have lived amongst us for centuries and are controlling our destiny.

If you’re not British, or you’re under a certain age, you might not know who David Icke is. I’ll tell you. Back in the late 1980s, he was a sports commentator for the BBC. He was boring and ordinary. The safe voice of the Snooker coverage. Then, in 1991, he started wearing turquoise track suits and claiming that he was The Son of God.

Here he is, being interviewed by Terry Wogan, and proclaiming his messiah-hood :

He had clearly suffered a spectacular nervous breakdown. But after the initial fire of his nervous breakdown had subsided, his psychosis took an interesting direction. He no longer claimed to be The Messiah, but he did claim that Mankind was being controlled by evil, 12 foot tall, blood-drinking alien lizards in human form. (By “Mankind”, I mean humanity. Not Mick Foley, the WWE wrestler.)

Now, you’re probably thinking what I thought at the time. “Ah, evil lizards controlling society. That’s just old fashioned anti-semitism in coded form. We’ve all heard that one before.”

Apparently not, though. A few years ago the British – and, incidentally, Jewish- journalist Jon Ronson made a film about David Icke called “The Lizards and The Jews”. And in this film he stated that the more time he spent with Mr Icke, the more he became convinced that when David Icke said “12 foot high, blood drinking lizard people” what he actually meant was, quite literally, “12 foot high, blood drinking lizard people.”

Some of the individuals Mr Icke thinks fall into this alien category are : George W Bush, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second and…er…Boxcar Willie.

Up until recently, my viewpoint on alien life fell into the “microbes on Mars” camp. Now I’m not so sure. I don’t think giant lizards control the world but I think the possibility of alien life among us is plausible. And I think this for one reason.


I don’t remember growing pubes. I remember not having them. And I remember then having a full set. But I do not remember any interim period where I was thinking “I wish my pubes would hurry up and grow in properly”. What’s more, I don’t know anyone else who remembers growing pubes either.

You see, when people claim to have been abducted by aliens they often have amnesia about the event. The theory is that aliens have wiped their memories of being teleported up to spaceships or probed or whatever.

I think this is why no-one can remember growing pubes. Our alien overlords install our pubic hair- via the same process Wayne Rooney replaced his prematurely thinning locks- then wipe our memories of the operation.

It’s the only logical explanation. I mean, what earthly use are pubes anyway? All they do is obscure the view and get in the way. It also explains why the Hollywood Wax is so popular now. It’s an act of rebellion against our extra-terrestrial oppressors. It has also had the added bonus of rendering the human pubic louse virtually extinct in the developed world, due to loss of habitat.

If you are a person who does remember growing pubes, I’d love to hear from you. I won’t reply to you of course, because I will think that you are one of the alien oppressors. I reckon it’s always good to know who the enemy are.

I also reckon I should probably stop watching quite so many David Icke videos on YouTube.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2015




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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

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