Pow! Right In The Kisser – An Important Lesson In Self Defence Brought To You By Glenn Danzig

Glenn Danzig is a rock musician. Here he is talking about his martial arts training:

Pretty impressive, eh? He’s been taught Jeet Kune Do by one of the few people who learned the art from Bruce Lee himself. Here’s Glenn Danzig applying that training:

Ah. That’s not quite as impressive, is it? I don’t know that much about Jeet Kune Do, but I do train in a few martial arts myself and there are some things they all have in common. As regards self-defence, there are certain things that any martial arts instructor worth their salt will tell you:

If you feel you can safely run or walk away from any potential confrontation, then always do so.

If you can’t physically get out of harm’s way, try to defuse the situation verbally.

Only employ physical violence if none of the above tactics have worked.

Glenn Danzig may have practiced his Jeet Kune Do moves, but he clearly didn’t pay much attention to the ground rules. If he had then maybe he wouldn’t have been sparked out.

You may have noticed that there are little comments on that video. One of them is that “Danny is not threatening Glenn in any way.” To be fair to Glenn, that’s just not true. Danny is engaged in quite a lot of finger pointing. And as the landlord of one of my local pubs is fond of saying “When the fingers start pointing, it’s time to throw somebody out of the bar.” Finger pointing means that violence is about to commence in almost all circumstances.

Maybe Glen noticed this pointing. This is when he should have tried to calm the situation down. Now, as I’ve said, I don’t know a great deal about Jeet Kune Do. I’m going to go out on a limb though and venture that Mr Danzig’s instructor didn’t tell him that the best way to calm someone down is to push them in the chest and shout “Fuck you motherfucker!” Though I’ll admit that this is just guesswork on my part.

To continue my Holmesian process of deduction, I’m also willing to bet that Glenn Danzig’s Jeet Kune Do instructor didn’t give him the following advice:

“If you absolutely have to fight someone, make sure he’s about a foot taller than you. Make sure he’s a man whose fight-to-hot-dinner ratio is as close to 1:1 as possible. That way, he’ll outweigh you by at least 150 pounds and will probably be able to punch a carthorse’s lights out.”

When your opponent in a fight is a big fat bastard and you are not, the laws of physics are not on your side. More height and more fat = more mass. And Force = Mass x Acceleration. So when that fat fucker’s meaty fist is accelerating towards you and you don’t take evasive action, you’re going to hit the deck.

Glenn Danzig didn’t seem to realize this. But as I’ve said, he is a rock musician. And with certain notable exceptions, rock musicians don’t tend to be all that bright.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2015



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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

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