SIX PACKS – Why Abs Are Strictly For Youngsters And How To Easily Come To Terms With Your Natural Male Shape

 

Can't Find The Cheese Grater AGAIN Babe? Oh, Go On Then.

Can’t Find The Cheese Grater AGAIN Babe? Oh, Go On Then.

I go to the gym and enjoy it, and I’m not afraid to say so. I go for lots of reasons. To keep the black dog of depression at bay, to ogle girls, to save money by not going to the pub. But one of the main ones is to maintain a trim waist and a flat stomach. Nothing spoils the cut of a man’s suit like love handles and a beer gut. I want the lithe, snake hipped figure that I briefly had in my early teens. This will never happen.

God (or nature, depending on your outlook) has blessed me with the ability to put on muscle at a rate of knots. So fast I get stretch marks if I’m not careful. But I have also been gifted with that kind of pit bull frame for which the words “lithe” or “svelte” can never be used as useful adjectives.

My waist has been fat free in the past, but it has never looked like an actual waist in the conventional sense of the word since I was about 14. No matter how much wood you plane off a barrel, it’s still a barrel. This saddens me just a tiny bit, but one thing I would never ever want is a six pack.

The six pack belongs on male models under the age of 24, and nowhere else. If you’re over 24, you’re wasting your time unless you want to attract other men. Fair enough if you do, but for the other 9/10ths of the male population, I’m just pointing out that women aren’t that keen on them. They like looking at them, yes. They like looking at nicely polished coffee tables too, but they wouldn’t fuck one. At least I think they wouldn’t, you never can tell with women.

If you get too ripped and toned, fucking you would probably feel a bit like fucking a coffee table anyway. Not that women would ever admit this. They find it far too enjoyable to see your pain and suffering in trying to attain something which is essentially of little practical value. It’s revenge for making them walk around in six inch heels every time they are in fashion. Not that we actually do make them do that, they make each other do it, but they don’t really see it that way somehow.

There are women who are properly turned on by washboard abs and look in the magazines at pictures of the models who have them, thinking “Phwaor. Look at that”. But even they can’t stop the little addendum dropping into place at the end of that sentence. The sad little sighing coda that is “Shame he’s probably gay.” That’s the little unconscious assumption they all can’t help making when they see a waist that’s been worked hard and shorn of all its fat.

So if you’re straight and over 24, don’t waste your energy. This is the age when the male trunk gives up. It stops being supple and limber and starts to expand like a badly stuffed junkshop sofa. It’s as normal and natural as eating, drinking, fighting and fucking. Beyond that age, attempts to do anything other than just keep your paunch in check reek of vanity and desperation. Or point to homosexuality.

So unless you want the next lady on your list to want to have nothing to do with you. Or worse, mistakenly wanting to be your best buddy so you can take her shopping and give her advice on how to make anal sex less painful, just heed this warning. Go easy on the sit ups.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013

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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

4 responses to “SIX PACKS – Why Abs Are Strictly For Youngsters And How To Easily Come To Terms With Your Natural Male Shape”

  1. Ned's Blog says :

    I’ve resolved to accept that I will no longer have buns of steel; however buns of aluminum foil are still attainable. And my wife gets more turned on by me doing the wash than having washboard abs. So what’s the point?

    • thedailygrime says :

      As long as they’re not buns of cookie dough, it’s all fine. After all, what do women really want? The central heating turned up all the way and baths you could hard boil an egg in, that’s what. Oh, and love and understanding and stuff. But mainly the central heating and the baths.

  2. Deborah says :

    mmmmmmm buns of cookie dough. Don’t get me started. 😉

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