Grifters – Why I Really Admire The Royal Family
There’s been a disturbing trend in recent years of people being famous for the sake of being famous. They haven’t done anything or achieved anything but they are household names and nobody quite knows why.
They seem to have gained their notoriety in the same way a man builds a time machine because his future self has travelled back in history and furnished him with the plans. Their fame seems to be like a circle, with no definable starting point. God knows there certainly seems to be no end to it in sight
This kind of fame seems to be entirely to do with families. Who fucked who and what was the end result. When Heather “Dark Satanic” Mills married Paul McCartney, she became one of the most famous women in the world practically overnight. In Britain, we already knew who she was. We’d all read the by-lines in the newspapers that told of how her promising modelling career was cut short when she was run over by a police motorcycle. A tragic accident that resulted in her losing her leg.
This didn’t warm the British public to her however. To us, she was usurping the late Linda McCartney. A woman who was, according to everyone who ever met her, a beautiful, warm human being. Though not a terribly great keyboard player, to be fair. To a new generation of people who hadn’t grown up with The Beatles, Paul was famous as the husband of Linda McCartney, the vegetarian food guru not the other way around. Though they were dimly aware that he put a few albums out in The Sixties.
Paul McCartney could have married Mary fucking Poppins herself and she wouldn’t have been good enough. People regarded Heather Mills’ humanitarian work as scam, like that episode of Friends where Phoebe’s evil twin Ursula convinces Sean Penn that she worked for the Peace Corps. The episode where, despite the fact that Lisa Kudrow is dressed as Supergirl and Courtney Cox is dressed as Catwoman, no one saw fit to write in a girly catfight between them. Even though “who could beat who in a fight” is a central theme of the episode. Ok, it wouldn’t have fitted in with the relationship between their characters, but I would have been willing to suspend my disbelief for a couple of minutes to see that catfight, wouldn’t you?
So Heather Mills is famous for being famous and many other people seem to be doing the same thing. It’s a worrying new development. Except that it’s not new. It’s the oldest grift in the book. In Britain, we have the most perfect example of this scam. A scam that can be summed up in just one word. Royalty.
It’s the most insidious con ever perpetrated on the general public in the history of humanity. Oh, don’t go there, I hear you cry; everyone has a pop at the Royal Family. Do they? Good. At least something’s right with the world, then.
The Royal Family are like a long established and historical Heather Mills. They have been inflicting themselves on society for generations and show no signs of growing a conscience and stopping. At least Heather has moved on to pastures new. But then again, she’s only famous for shagging Paul McCartney, right? Well yes, that is precisely my point.
Prince Philip is only famous for shagging the Queen. The Queen Mother is only famous for shagging King George the Sixth. And he was only famous because his brother, Edward the Eighth, was a Nazi and was forced to abdicate because of it, what with Hitler and everything. They made some cover story that it was because he wanted to marry some American woman, which was true enough but she was also a Nazi. And Edward was only famous because… and so on back to Bavaria or whichever part of Germany they all came from in the first place.
That said, you have to admire the beauty of the scam. You live parasitically off the taxes of people, the majority of whom do not have a thousandth of your material wealth. It would take and act of parliament to dissolve the monarchy. And whose signature is required to ratify acts of parliament? The Queen’s! Plus, and here’s the real jaw dropper, if anyone points any of this out, the people being conned will actually beat up that person for being unpatriotic and disloyal. Disloyal to you, the perpetrator of the con. Fucking genius! I wish I’d thought of it. These poor deluded souls will also pipe up saying that you bring in valuable money in the form of tourism. To be fair, this sounds like a reasonable argument, until you actually stop to think it through, that is.
Let’s take the most gullible species of tourist; the American. Now, they can be pretty dumb, I’ll grant you, but even the dopiest of them don’t come over here actually expecting to see the Queen. They know the chances of that are nil. They come over here for the taste of history; castles and old towns and, fair enough, royals gone by. But the thing about them is that they’re dead, you see? We don’t have to pay them a penny piece and the Yanks will still hand over their dollars to hear about them at the Tower of London. They will still come over to marvel at the fact they can stroll into a perfectly ordinary country pub and find out that it was selling ale 200 years before their constitution was even penned.
Oh, that reminds me. The same poor deluded souls from before are actually under the impression that we have a constitution in this country too. We don’t, of course. What we actually have is an ugly mess of archaic laws and traditions which are supposed to do the same thing and fail miserably. It may say Citizen of the United Kingdom on your passport, but that’s just for show for the rest of the world. You are not a citizen in the same way as an American or a Frenchman. You are a SUBJECT of Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second. Delve back far enough through the traditions and unrepealed laws and you will find that Her Maj pretty much owns your arse. We have had to put up with this sort of thing for hundreds of years, so here’s the plan. We turn the tables on them.
We get parliament to float them on the stock exchange. They already call themselves “The Firm” so let’s make them do the job properly. They get the civil list money if they turn a tangible profit, sort of like a bonus. None of this money from tourism bollocks. If they make a loss they have to underwrite it out of their own pockets, like Lloyds Names. See how much dead wood they carry then.
The first one Charles will have to sack is his brother Edward. No-one’s ever been able to see the point of him. When given the opportunity, he couldn’t even convincingly organize the special Royal version of “It’s A Knockout”, a game that is supposed to be, by its very nature, disorganized and chaotic. In more enlightened days, he’d have been stowed away in the attic at Glamis Castle, along with the other little genetic hiccups that all that inbreeding tends to throw up.
You notice I say Charles will have to do this; that’s because he’ll be King. The Queen might be dug in like an Alabama tick under the present system, but throw in the possibility of losing her own money and she’ll abdicate before you can say Saxe-Coburg-Goethe.
© Copyright Michael Grimes 2014