THE LITTLE PISS BOILER – Things That Really Annoy Me And Why They Should Annoy You Too
I’d be the first to agree that when God was handing out patience and tolerance, I was right at the back of the queue. I was looking at my watch and I was tapping my foot and tutting a lot. But most of the world merely puts my urine on a gentle simmer, and for the most part, my bladder is not a particularly tempestuous place but more like a boating lake on a slightly choppy day. Just turbulence caused by the general background annoyance that all human beings have to contend with on a daily basis.
There are certain things, however, which are guaranteed to transform my John Thomas into a whistling kettle spout of fury because they really do boil my piss that hard. They are listed and explained below. You will notice that most of them are of no discernable significance whatsoever. I have never claimed to be deep, only bitter and poisonous. When groups of pissheads play that “If you were a drink, what kind of drink would you be” game, I always say “A hemlock milkshake”, and then I’m not allowed to play any more of their games, because even pissheads have some standards.
People who’ve read my rantings are often surprised when they meet me in the flesh. They expect me to be a tragic piece of human wreckage, which of course I am. But what they don’t expect is for my hair to have the texture of purest cashmere and for my skin to be as smooth as lemon silk.
This is down to good grooming products, drinking plenty of water and a complex series of pacts and treaties with The Devil. He gets the leathery, pickled remnant that is my soul and I get clear skin, shiny hair and most of the world’s wealth. Although the money is held in trust for me until after my death.
I could have negotiated a bit better on that one to tell you the truth, but I’m trying to thrash out some sort of deal with the Buddhists to claw it back. Oh, and Satan also gets use of my swivel chair during the hours of darkness. It’s a genuine antique, from 1973. He likes it because it reminds him of when he was controlling the politicians and the unions, instead of just the politicians.
Anyway, let’s start with…
Blowjobs, lack of.
I thought I’d start with this one because, unlike the others, it is important. Women who refuse point blank to perform oral sex, even if they are in a committed relationship. The usual reason stated is that they find it dirty and shameful. Yes, of course you do. Everyone does, which is kind of by the way of being the point. That’s what makes it fun.
So in the unlikely event that any of these women are reading anything related to the word “humour”, here is an appeal. Please, just for five or ten minutes, every so often, allow yourself to be that naughty girl next door that mummy wouldn’t let you play with. You know, the one whose freedom you always secretly envied. Unless you’re really looking forward to living alone in a house full of cats.
Now at this point, the women in question usually come over all superior and say something like:”I think you’ll find my partner/boyfriend/husband isn’t that shallow.” Sorry, but I think you’ll find he is. I don’t care if he’s just been elected Professor of Deepology at the Cambridge Institute of Advanced Introspection. When it comes to this particular issue ALL MEN ARE THAT SHALLOW. He won’t admit it of course, possibly not even to himself. But the stark reality is that if you are not extending him this particular sexual courtesy, sooner or later, someone else will be.
Not that I’m saying all your previous relationships have broken up purely because of this. No, you’re probably whiny and annoying too, so that won’t have helped. So you don’t like giving head, so what. He probably doesn’t like putting up shelves or putting up with your relatives or traipsing around shops with you, but he does it anyway. So, here’s what you need to do
.First get hold of some potholing equipment. You’ll need this in order to clamber out of your own arsehole. Be warned that this may prove quite tricky, as you have clearly been firmly jammed up there for quite some time, so buy the best you can afford. Once you have recovered from that, enlist the help of a team of sherpas. Use their skill and experience to mount an expedition to get over yourself. I gather that the northwest face of You, although technically the most difficult, would probably be the most rewarding. That done, join the human race, grow a pair of ovaries and lick the damn lollipop for crying out loud.
Sorry, but this has made me so mad that I’ll have to catheterize myself and fling some anti knocking granules up my urethra and into my bladder. The rest of this will have to wait until later. There will be more. Unless the world stops annoying me. Which is unlikely.
© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013
Tags: 1973, Alcoholics, Annoying, blowjobs, cats, Cunt, Decorum, deep, Dirty, DIY, God, Grooming, hemlock, Humour, impatience, Knobs, Lollipops, Mods, Mummy, Nudism, piss, pissheads, Politicians, Satan, shallow, Shameful, sherpas., Swivel Chairs, The Devil, The Truth, Unions, wreckege
About thedailygrimeAt that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.
All I’ve got is this pen
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