Why Don’t You Love Me Jenny? – How There’s No Such Thing As A Platonic Relationship And Why That’s A Very Good Thing


If Only The Signs Were This Obvious

If Only The Signs Were This Obvious

The University Of Wisconsin has recently done a study and come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as an entirely platonic relationship between heterosexual, different-sex friends. This is not really a surprise. Every university in the world has a department for stating the completely fucking obvious.

Every man has an attractive female friend who he likes to think would bone him if the correct circumstances arose. And he likes to think he would go for it if those circumstances ever came to pass. This is deluded. Getting out of The Friend Zone if a lady has placed you there is tricky enough. Try getting out when you have both placed you there is next to impossible. It feels like that ancient Greek feller Sisyphus eternally pushing his boulder up a hill. Even if you manage it, you’ll probably be too drained to do anything about it anyway.

Your situation is destined to remain almost – but not quite-  friendship unless something really dramatic happens. Some sort of Deus Ex Machina resolution which thrusts you together in an unavoidable and inevitable fashion. But the question is, why would you want that to happen in the first place?

A “platonic” relationship has advantages that you just don’t get in any other kind of relationship. From the man’s point of view, there’s the kudos of being seen out and about with an attractive lady who listening to your stories and laughing at your jokes. Everyone will assume you are nailing her anyway. The fact that you are not is irrelevant.

It's Actually A Lot More Complicated Than This.

It’s Actually A Lot More Complicated Than This.

From the lady’s point of view, there is oodles of male attention.  Male friends tend to be very attentive. Buying you drinks, giving you thoughtful little presents and actually listening to what you are saying. All the stuff that boyfriends reluctantly do and pretend to do in order to maintain carnal rights to your body. And a male friend will do this without you having to make his dinner, suck his cock or listen to his pipe dreams about opening his own surfboard shop.

From the point of view of both man and woman, every time you meet you get to indulge in a tiny bit of pretend romance. A Fauxmance if you will. And the advantage of a Fauxmance is that it can never go anywhere. Which means it can never go sour or out of your control. And every time you meet up, you get a tiny bit of that frisson you get when you first start dating someone. In small, controlled doses so it’s not all overwhelming and doesn’t stop you from eating and sleeping and that kind of thing.

Now, according to the University of Wisconsin study, men are much more into this than woman as far as the actual sexual attraction part goes.  The man keeps the “one day” fantasy locked up in a specific part of his fevered brain. But really, the idea is in the same compartment as the “what I would do if I won The Lottery” idea.

The man sees the fauxmance as being like an old episode episode of “Moonlighting”, only without the shouting. And without the attendant disappointment when Maddy and David actually start “doing it”.  For the woman, it’s more like the situation between Forrest and Jenny in the movie “Forrest Gump”. Mind you, Forrest actually got the girl in that movie. He impregnated her, married her and she died tragically young. So if you have a close platonic friendship, maybe you should try arguing a bit more.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013


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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

4 responses to “Why Don’t You Love Me Jenny? – How There’s No Such Thing As A Platonic Relationship And Why That’s A Very Good Thing”

  1. Ned's Blog says :

    “Like ‘Moonlighting’ without all the shouting…” I love it! Really great piece 🙂

  2. eden baylee says :

    You need to copyright “Fauxmance.”

    That is priceless. Great write.

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