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Not everyone has the time, money or inclination to go abroad on holiday; or even out of town. If you fall into this category and have a couple of weeks vacation on your hands, you need a project to keep you busy, because there’s only so much gaming and masturbation a man can do in one day. So why not rescue a pretty girl from Gothdom?

Male Goths are now officially an endangered species, rapidly being replaced by skater boys. Females of the species wouldn’t be seen dead with these tossers, especially the ones out of their teens. Skateboarding over the age of thirteen is unbelievably sad, unless you are world class and can make some cash out of it. Not enough males to go round gives you your ideal opportunity, but you must have a battle plan.

First you have to understand what being a Goth is all about. At first glance it might seem to be just about wearing black, being pale and listening to depressing music. Well actually, that is pretty much it, but you have to appreciate some of the motivation behind wanting to be one in the first place. The main motivation is to hide behind the uniform of being different.

Your female crypt kicker has some insecurity about her physically, often something trivial and more frequently something completely imaginary. Dressing like the crowd leaves her too exposed so an alter ego is invented and she covers her shame with black whilst kidding herself on she’s being individual. But there are Goths and Goths, so you must choose your target with extreme care. That’s item number one on the following campaign schedule:

Most important, do not go for a fat one even if you quite like your sexual partners a bit on the meaty side. These ones are totally irredeemable. This girl will be wearing black dresses and white make up and calling herself something Arthurian well into her fifties. That’s because she’s actually just fucking lazy and it’s easier than exercise and dieting. This laziness will transfer to the bedroom, so don’t even bother.

No, look at the faces to see who is pretty, because they will be hanging around in a group in that ropey pub you usually avoid and huddled around halves of cider and black. You will probably be spoilt for choice to tell you the truth. The imagined physical flaw is usually a result of spiteful comments from jealous classmates before she’s realised how pretty she is.

So aim for the one wearing absolutely tons of white make up. This is because she actually has a complexion you might expect to see peeking out from under a haystack in a Laurie Lee novel. She’s a Goth out of habit and she wants out but can’t find a way. You arrive and show her.

Don’t actually look like the male of the species but wear enough to not stand out too much or they’ll either close ranks on you or run like startled gazelles. Black jeans, boots and shirt broken up with a plain coloured T-shirt is fine. Then just sit near them and drink cider and follow step three.

Don’t approach the pack. Just sit there and read, preferably something about psychiatric self help. All these girls are wannabe manic depressives and desperately want to be mentally disturbed. They invariably are not due to having loving and understanding parents.

In that respect they are a bit like the office sane person who has no sense of humour and describes themselves as “whacky”, “zany” or “madcap”. Then you just occasionally look up and make brief eye contact with your mark, subtly ensuring that she and her friends see the title of the book. The girl you’re after has been pretending to be depressed for so long that she’s starting to actually be depressed. The splash of colour in your outfit gives her the hint that the emergency exit could be sitting smiling at her. The book gives her a legitimate excuse to head for it.

She’s probably either a student or can’t get up he job ladder because of her appearance. When she comes over to ask about the book -and she will come over to ask about the book- do the decent thing and fork out for the booze. Then just talk to her about her favourite subject: her. Some things are the same no matter what kind of pub you’re in.

She will ask you questions about yourself. Answer them, but be a little vague without being evasive and always let the conversation drift back in her direction.  Do not go in for the kill here and now. Not even if you’ve bought her a whole night’s worth of cider and black. Remember this is a project.

If the young lady has enjoyed your company, and given the company she has been keeping she will have, arrange a date. Turn up to this date wearing the most brightly coloured clothes you’ve got. She will be puzzled by this and ask about the change. Tell her you sometimes have to do this to contain the black hole that is your depression, in case it sucks in the universe or something. Tell her she should try it.

She will appear reticent, but will be secretly delighted. At last! Someone genuinely loopy. She doesn’t have to listen to fake neuroses or pretend to have them herself. She can ease herself into wearing normal make up and ordinary clothes and not have to act like some sort of solar powered sweat factory in summer. The path out lies ahead and it’s paved with you. You might even both embark on something approaching a normal relationship.

Enjoy, and remember she can always dress up in the kinky Goth gear when you both fancy a little role play. Plus, her musical tastes are unlikely to change, so if you do split up, she won’t be laying specious claims to any of your CD collection.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013

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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

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