Soylent Mondegreen – Why Madonna Knows More About Potatoes Than She’s Letting On And How Even I Don’t Know What The Hell I’m Saying Sometimes

This Is A Bit Like What The Inside Of My Mind Looked Like When I Wrote This

This Is A Bit Like What The Inside Of My Mind Looked Like When I Wrote This

I wrote this a number of years ago when I was feeling very very paranoid and unwell. Feel free to leave a comment if you have any idea what it might mean. Because I haven’t got the foggiest idea. I’m feeling a lot better now if that’s any consolation….

 You may not know what a Mondegreen is, but I guarantee that you will have heard dozens of them in your time. The word “mondegreen” was in the new, funky edition of the Oxford English Dictionary the last time I looked and was originated by a lady called Sylvia Wright. She was listening to a folk song called The Bonny Earl of Murray, and was touched by the part where they   “killed the Earl of Murray and Lady Mondegreen”

.Actually, what was being sung was “killed the Earl of Murray and laid him on the green”. Well, people can be a bit hard to understand when they are whining nasally with a finger in one ear.

That’s right; a mondegreen is that old favourite, the misheard song lyric. The most famous example of this is probably “’scuse me while I kiss this guy” (Jimi Hendrix, Purple Haze). So, what is Soylent Mondegreen, then? Well, it’s where I shamelessly cannibalise traditional mishearings for my own purposes.

What purposes would those be then? They would be to let you know the truth behind why people mishear lyrics in the first place. It can’t all be explained by bad sound levels and poor diction on behalf of the vocalist, you see. Many of these things are actually warnings and secret messages. Let’s start of with another perennial favourite of the type, Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita”

“Young girl with eyes like potatoes”, that’s how many people hear the line. Why? It’s obviously “the desert”, not “potatoes”. You can’t quite figure out why you thought it was once that fact has been revealed. Three simple words provide the answer: “Idaho potato cults”. That’s the threat and this song is your warning.

Forget the Illuminati; forget the Trilateral Commission and the Bilderburg Group. These are all decoys to divert attention from the true danger. The sinister hidden potato agenda.

Idaho is known as the PotatoState, a nickname given to it by its inhabitants. This is a cunning double bluff to distract from their terrible group secret. Much in the way rustic types in this country slap each other on the back and jokingly call each other sheep shaggers to cover the fact that they really do shag sheep.

The Potato Masters believe in the coming of a heaven on earth which they call La Isla Bonita, based on a legend brought to the Americas via an old Spanish lullaby. Technically it would be paradise for everyone. No war, no famine, no violence or death. The spuds will be perfect and will taste of whatever the eater wishes, with a constant background taste of power, glory and the sweetness of illicit liaisons. Perfect. But only for the true believers. For the rest of us they will taste like what they are: little nuggets of bland carbohydrate. And they will be all there is to eat until the day you die, which you won’t because there won’t be any more death. They use arcane rites and ceremonies to push the glorious day closer.

The Lords of the Tuber were furious with Madge when she revealed, albeit cryptically, their creed. She had to flee to England where their influence is weak thanks to our strict controls over the Colorado Beetle. They didn’t annihilate her because she avoided potatoes, but her new macrobiotic diet left her vulnerable to their limited control over brassicas.

They weakened her enough to make her spend the following years pissing about doing her own soft core porn, yoga and to find comfort in the Kabbalah. But let’s not forget her heroic stand and mourn our own losses too. Carry on Columbus and Sex Lives of the Potato Men were dire, despite the vast amount of comic talent associated with both. They were nobbled because they were blasphemous to these people. Special agents in the on site catering crew ensured that no one would be remotely funny on either project.

How far up does the plot go? It’s no coincidence that Dubya’s face looks like a King Edward. Only the Colorado Beetle and the rice eating Feng Shui Masters of China are stemming the rising tide. You have been warned.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013

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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

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