In Touch With Your Inner Teen.
IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER TEEN – Where Your Inner Child Lives and How He Can Make You Feel Much Better.
I Don’t Like Mondays Was Number One Thirty Two Years Ago
No one ever thinks they’ll become an addict. I certainly didn’t. Thought I could handle it no problem. No man ever thinks it’ll get the best of him. But of course that wicked light brown powder has taken over my life. Can’t sleep without it, can’t think the next day if I haven’t had any. The bad thing is that it’s a lot easier to get than drugs, even heroin. And you can buy that pretty much anywhere. I am referring to the opium of the old and the middle aged; Horlicks.
There’s nothing exciting about Horlicks, apart from the fact that the name sounds like what could be a very entertaining website. Once you’ve got a malted milk habit, you’re halfway to giving up and admitting the bloom had gone off your grape. It’s only a matter of time before you have your first Sweater Incident.
The Billy Connolly Litmus Test
The day will start out like any other, but there is a bombshell nestling in amongst the hours ahead. There may be a well meaning elderly relative involved. Or a spot of decorating or some such obligation. Whatever it is, it will involve you having to put on a naff jumper or sweatshirt. It will be the kind your dad wears when he wants to look “a bit tasty” for your mum. You will put it on and go obliviously about your task. Then these terrible words will clang into place as someone says:
“That really suits you”
You will, naturally, laugh this off. But at some point you will check and experience panic and a dry mouth as you realise the truth. You are wearing a Greenwoods jumper and it does actually suit you. Not only that, but it suits you far better than the trendy shirt you turned up in. When the Sweater Incident happens, it is important to stay calm. Finish your obligation, go straight to WH Smiths and buy the most recent Billy Connolly DVD, for you are about to perform the Billy Connolly Litmus Test.
For years you have bemoaned the fact that the Big Yin has not done anything funny since the Billy and Albert video. Watch his latest release. If you are unmoved to laughter, then it’s ok, the Sweater Incident was a one off. A spurious fashion coincidence. An existential optical illusion. If Billy seems to have suddenly regained his touch-and he hasn’t by the way-then you’re going to have to have a word with yourself. Literally. You are going to have to get In Touch With Your Inner Teen.
It’s National “Give A Child Cigarettes and Booze” Day
Go deep inside your brain. If you can’t find the right part, it’s the tiny corner that still smells slightly of arrogance and acne cream. In that corner, hunkered down and weeping, you will find a memory if you as a young teenager, say 14 or 15. Swallow your disdain and strike up a conversation with him. He won’t trust, or even recognize you at first, so you have to gain his confidence. Offer the poor pleasure starved waif some fags and booze. Make them expensive fags and top notch booze. It’s ok, they’re imaginary so they won’t cost you anything. Then let him talk about his hopes and fears, his dreams and aspirations.
While he’s doing this, twat him good and hard. Right in the face. I recommend right or left cross. He’ll be talking and have a ciggy dangling from his gob, so you should dislocate his jaw first pop. As he is reeling on the floor, hogtie him so all he can move is his eyeballs. That done, start putting the boot in nice and vicious like. You know, Clockwork Orange Style. Bit of good old fashioned Ultraviolence.
The Power of Three
Now I know this doesn’t sound cathartic in a Radio4, tree hugging, aren’t dolphins lovely sort of way, but trust me it works. The reasons this is a healing experience are threefold:
Every teenage boy in the world is a whining, irritating, know-nothing smart-arse. Even the clever, educated ones are. The one inside you is no exception.
When your sense of virility is threatened, it’s always therapeutic to give some poor bastard a bloody good kicking, particularly if he looks like he might be a student.
If you listen to him, he’ll have you dressing 15 years too young and looking like a tit. Stopping him from doing this is immensely satisfying.
Once the moping little git is fully neutralised, you can act and dress how you like. If you still want to dress 15 years too young because you couldn’t give a shit what anyone thinks, fair enough. If you work in advertising and have to look like a tit, ok. Although you might want to stop inhaling your wages and start using some of the cash to buy back the leasehold on your soul.
You have to realise that you’re not too old, they’re too young. Look down on them! The elderly have had their day. Look down on them too. You’re prime fucking fillet steak, man. You’re top of the world ma, top of the world!
Excuse me; I think I need a little lie down. Where’s me horlicks?
© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013