FUCKERS WITHOUT FRONTIERS – Why Mankind’s Urge To Explore The Planet Has Nothing Whatsoever To do With Curiosity


Britain is a multicultural society and has been for at least the last two thousand years. Like it or not, this little group of islands is home to the most mongrel nation on the face of the earth. This is due to the fact that it’s a stopping off point to virtually everywhere anyone wants to go to. And halfway during the journey, lots of people find that they don’t want to arrive at their destinations half as much as they thought they did when they set out. Or more frequently, they just run out of money. But Britain’s never going to be multicultural in the “let’s celebrate diversity” way which seems to be the current trend in thinking.

The British, if you can use that one term to lump us all together, do not welcome other cultures and then peacefully coexist. The British welcome other cultures and then assimilate; we’re a bit like The Borg in that respect. The damp, rocky mother ship steals language and cuisine and then, like Bruce Lee, its drones absorb what is useful. They sift and filter the bits they like and let the rest find their place in dark corners.

There are many things that we consider to be quintessentially British that are nothing of the kind. Curry is probably the most obvious example. What Friday night is complete without a group of incoherent British men enjoying a “Ruby Murray” and abusing the long suffering restaurant staff? Curry is clearly an Indian invention, although Indians don’t call it curry. The restaurant staff get their own back though, via the medium of persuading the drunken louts that eating something called a Phall is a good idea. No Indian in his right mind would eat a Phall. According to Pat Chapman, founder of The Curry Club, the word Phall is derived from a Hindi phrase that means “arse ripper”.

Chicken Tikka Masala is a British invention though. Legend has it that a customer in the early 70s in a Glasgow curry house (or Birmingham, accounts differ) found his spicy chicken starter a little dry and asked if he could have some sort of gravy with it. So the chef improvised with some more spices and a tin of tomato soup and a new dish was born. The legend doesn’t explain what a tin of tomato soup was doing in a professional Indian kitchen though. Maybe it was going to be the chef’s supper. Chefs do have a tendency to create marvellous meals and then eat absolute crap themselves.

And what of the pint of lager itself. That thing that makes curry virtually inevitable on a Friday night? If you’ve had  a pint of lager in the past 20 years, it’s highly unlikely that you drank it out of a glass that wasn’t made in France. It’s also a knocking bet that the lager itself was Belgian in origin. Fish and Chips. Surely Fish and Chips is the most British concept there is? ‘Fraid not. Introduced by Eastern European Jewish immigrants in the 19th Century. Nothing we consider to be British is entirely pukka, even the word “pukka”, which is also Indian.  Except for Morris Dancing and Folk Music, and the less said about those the better.

Organic multiculturalism and we’re very good at it because we have been doing it for two millennia. This is what the town hall liberals seem to fail to grasp, so let’s give them a simple analogy. If you put garlic, tahini, chick peas and lemon juice in a bowl, what you get is an indigestible mess. Put these things into a blender and you get fresh, home made hummus. By keeping ingredients separate, you can pre- curdle what could be a lovely rich mayonnaise. Liberals are ignoring one very obvious fact, which is odd because it’s a point which they state regularly.


That fact is this: We are all human. We are all the same under the skin, apart from largely irrelevant evolutionary adaptations like the proportion of fast twitch muscle fibres and the ability to drink milk without being violently sick. One thing which all seven billion of us have in common is that we like to roam around and are all twats. Fuckers without frontiers, if you will.

Calling us twats may seem like a lazy use of language, but I have picked that word very carefully. Despite the impression you may get from the media, there are very few people in the world who are actually evil. Most of us are quite conscientious and hard working; though admittedly mostly out of necessity rather than choice. But we do find it very difficult to get on with each other because we are also generally quite stroppy and cantankerous. Not evil, not total bastards, just a bunch of silly and self absorbed twats.

One group will do things differently from another group and both groups will disapprove of each other. Violence will ensue because while it is not a good thing, fighting and murdering each other is one of the most fundamentally natural instincts we have. But it all works out fine for most of us, because we came up with a solution to deal with this hundreds of thousands of years ago. It’s the reason we have such a wonderfully diverse range of people and cultures and languages in the first place. This solution has often been mistaken for the urge to explore, which is understandable given that we populate virtually every square mile of the planet’s surface. In fact it’s not the urge to explore; it’s the urge to get the hell away from people you don’t actually like.

This means that NASA really, really dislike the rest of us to quite a startling degree.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013



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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

2 responses to “FUCKERS WITHOUT FRONTIERS – Why Mankind’s Urge To Explore The Planet Has Nothing Whatsoever To do With Curiosity”

  1. Maureen Turner says :

    Yep, you’ve just about summed it all up nicely.

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