The Little Piss Boiler (Part Two) – More Things That Really Annoy Me And Why They Should Annoy You Too
Right. I’ve calmed down enough now to discuss some of my all time favourite annoyances. If you haven’t read The Little Piss Boiler Part One, I recommend that you do. Otherwise you might not understand what the hell I’m talking about here. Actually there’s a danger you won’t understand what the hell I’m talking about anyway, but I’m used to that in my general life, so that’s ok. Here goes:
Billie Piper’s Bees
I don’t have anything against Billie Piper personally. Don’t Know her. Never met her. By all accounts she is a delightful young lady. Though she did get a bit irritating when she returned to Doctor Who and someone appeared to have superglued her front teeth together.
At the time I put this down to a series of wonky acting lessons. Less is more that kind of thing. Maybe it was Botox gone wrong. One slip of the needle and she couldn’t actually open her mouth. Still, she definitely didn’t have her mouth clamped shut in “Diary of a Call Girl” and she certainly didn’t wear much either, so that more than evens out
No, to me the annoying thing about Billie is what she represents. And in my head, that’s ridiculous song lyrics. If you can remember back that far, it’s what she did way back when she was often referred to as “Little Billie Piper”. When she was a singer. Not that she was ever officially called “Little Billie Piper”. And at least she never went the route of David “The Kid” Jensen, who was calling himself that well into his thirties. I’ll grudgingly give her that one.
You might well think that in referring to Miss Piper’s mercifully brief singing career, that I am irked by the obvious choice : “Because We Want To”. But no. It states something that we all understand quite instinctively. Teenagers are thoughtless, self centred and have no concept of the consequences of their actions. All fairly obvious. To anyone but teenagers, of course.
My vote for her most ridiculous offering, one of the most ridiculous of all time in fact, is actually “Honey to the Bee”. Just the chorus really, though the line “candy in your fingertips” doesn’t make a great deal of sense either.. “Honey to the bee, that’s you for me”. Imagine it’s you that Billie is singing to. We can all probably agree that she’s attractive in a quirky way, so it makes you feel all warm and gooey, yes? Well it shouldn’t if you actually think about it.
What is honey to the bee? Well, it’s a mixture of partially digested nectar and pollen. It is, in fact, bee vomit. Follow this to its logical conclusion and Billie is in fact comparing you to her own puke. Or if you look at it another way, honey is what nourishes the little baby bees before they are born out of their little waxy wombs.
The nearest human analogy to this has to be a placenta. So Miss Piper thinks you are like her own spew or possibly an afterbirth. This song should really only make you feel loved up if you have very specialized tastes. Fortunately for me, I do. It’s my favourite song. Just thought I’d warn the rest of you.
The Queen Mum’s Beatific Smile
They’ve both gone to their graves now, but let’s not forget that Princess Margaret inherited her love of the odd tincture from her dear old mum. The first thing to pass the old girl’s lips of a morning was a large glass of Dubbonet and gin. Well, with a start like that, you know how the rest of the day’s going to go, don’t you? Fine food and top notch booze ‘til bedtime.
She was on the civil list and had a third of a million pound overdraft, which she was never ever asked to pay back. Still, everyone went all warm and fuzzy about how genuine her smile was. If my day consisted of being permanently pissed and troughing at the expense of both the taxpayer and my bank manager, my smile would be pretty fucking genuine too.
Sorry. I’ve reached boiling point again and have to stop. Feel free to join me when I’ve calmed down again. If I ever do.
© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013