A Secret History Of Things To Come Part One – How An Unexpected Revolution Resulted In The Banning Of The Labour Party
And so it came to pass, some years after the great “credit crunch”, that Harriet Harman was elected Prime Minister. A seemingly unlikely event, but an inevitable one after a coalition government who tried to tax people based on how many bedrooms they had in their houses.
At the end of 2014, Ed Miliband – or “The Decoy Candidate” as he was known- was hastily replaced by Harriet Harman and Labour won by a landslide in May 2015.
And it was one of the first bills that Prime Minister Harman, with the help of Deputy PM David “The Prodigal Son” Miliband pushed through Parliament that sowed the seeds of her and her Party’s eventual destruction. The so called Piecemeal Paedophilia Act – actually the Sexual Offences (Reform) Act 2015.
The logic behind this legislation went something like this. Not every bit of your body is the same age. You have more bones when you are born than you end up with in later life. They fuse together as you develop, so some of your skeletal structure is newer than the rest.
The argument for the act was based on this principle, but it was all about breasts and teeth. The act exempted homosexuals and, like many other parliamentary acts of its kind, simply neglected to mention lesbians. Like they’re some kind of exotic secret rather than just perfectly ordinary women.
The age of consent for heterosexuals is sixteen, but how can your sixteen year old brain authorise consent for parts of your body which have not yet reached the age of sexual majority? Your adult teeth, for example. As the old joke goes: “What did the dentist say to the patient after she’s just given him a blowjob? You’ve got the best teeth I’ve ever come across.” Yes, perhaps. But they are your second set are they not? Anything up to ten years younger than you.
Same with breasts. A sixteen year old girl might well have fantastically pert bosoms, but why?Because she may well have only been in possession of said shirt dumplings for as little as three years. They’ve barely had time to blink into the sunlight, never mind sag. Hence the euphemism “Puppies”.
So when a young lady gives a man a gobble or a soapy tit wank, she is in fact trafficking parts of herself which are actually far too young to engage in such nefarious activities.
With this in mind the Government enlisted the help if the medical profession in order to establish some ground rules for its new brainchild. The men in white coats are always willing to lend a hand when it comes to infringing the public’s civil liberties. So given an average age of getting all your adult teeth at age ten, and fully developed breasts at age thirteen, the age of consent for fellatio was bumped up to twenty six and the age for allowing a man to interfere erotically with a lady’s breasts was jacked up to a staggering twenty nine.
The upper classes thought this was all a tremendous hoot and joined in with gusto. Many a debutante had the offending pearlies removed and was presented with a brand new set of false gnashers for her coming out ball. Frank Zappa’s “Baby Take Your Teeth Out” was the surprise hit belting out of the refreshment tents at Ascot, Henley and Glyndebourne that year, and many a Hooray Henry was secretly thanking the New Labour under his breath. But the powers that be had seriously under estimated the hoi polloi.
The waters had already been tested early in previous years when they had banned sadomasochistic pornography and no one had batted an eyelid. If we can ban pictorial representation of what everyone in Europe refers to as “The English Vice” with impunity, they reasoned, then the time is ripe for this piece of social control. But what they didn’t take into account was that no one objected because no one knew.
So when The Queen put her John Hancock on the parchment, the British public did something very out of character. They completely ignored the new law. They waited with baited breath for the legal system to take its retribution, but no retribution was forthcoming. The government hadn’t built any new jails for the best part of a decade and a half. The law was effectively unenforceable.
Bolstered by this, the great unwashed began to ignore other laws. Cigarettes were once again sparked up on licensed premises, rubbish was thrown into dustbins unsorted and people broke the speed limits then just refused to pay the fines. Eventually a group of middle aged urban Guerrillas calling themselves “Hush Puppy Street Justice” marched on parliament and lynched the whole Cabinet. In short there was a revolution.
The Labour Party was banned in perpetuity. And the remaining politicians, the ones who had not been given a Columbian Neck Tie, were barred from ever making empathic hand gestures whilst giving a speech, much in the same way the Nazi salute was prohibited in post-war Germany.
The brave new society then went on outlaw Karaoke, The Macarena and that really disgusting thing your husband does when he thinks you’re not looking.
© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013
Tags: Age Of Consent, Ascot, Bedroom Tax, blowjobs, breasts, Columbian Neck Tie, David Miliband, Debutantes, Ed Miliband, Frank Zappa, Glyndebourne, Guerrillas, Harriet Harman, Henley, History, Homosexuality, Hooray Henrys, John Hancock, Karaoke, Lesbians, Logic, Mr Spock, Oral Sex, Paedophilia, Prime Minister, Puppies, Revolution, sadomasochistic Porn, Soapy Tit Wank, Sub Prime, The Labour Party, The Macarena, The Queen, trafficking, Upper Classes
About thedailygrimeAt that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.
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