Papal Bull – Why The Pope Quitting Is Such A Big Deal And How The Catholic Church Can Improve Its Somewhat Sleazy Reputation.

In a few days, Pope Benedict XVI retires and the College Of Cardinals with have to retreat into Conclave with their mobile phones to see who gets through to the next round of Pope Idol. This is a massive and unusual event. So unusual, it last happened 600 years ago. Although it didn’t involve mobile phones back then, obviously.

Now, if you’re not a Roman Catholic, I’m sure you can get how unusual this is by dint of the fact that it hasn’t happened for six centuries. But you probably don’t have any real context regards how massive it is. Allow me to enlighten you.

A Catholic finding out that The Pope is resigning is like the world’s biggest Apple fan finding out that Steve Jobs has died. And also, not only has the great man passed on, but that he and Bill Gates were one and the same person all along. Like Bruce Wayne and Batman (I’ll leave it to your own conscience to decide which is which).

Big as the above scenario is, it is not quite enough to cover The Pope resigning. If the aforementioned Apple fan also discovered that, on top of the Steve Jobs/Bill Gates deception, his life was in fact a dream and that he was not even human at all but a member of a race of technologically advanced Praying Mantises, then that might come close.

If he was told this information by his wife, waking him dressed in her sexiest Mantis negligee, saying it was time to make little Mantises and sorry about the biting your head off thing, that would just about top it off to how huge The Pope resigning is.


Astounding as this recent news is, it does pale slightly compared to what happened in 1978. The world saw three popes in 1978. This is something which hadn’t happened since 1605. That was, coincidentally, the year that Guy Fawkes led the failed plot to blow up the Houses of Parliament. The old joke being that he was the only man ever to enter the British Parliament with honest intentions.

In 1978, Pope Paul VI died, which is the more traditional way for a pontiff to resign. He was replaced by Pope John Paul I, often referred to as “The Smiling Pope”. Smiling being something not traditionally associated with leaders of the Catholic Church. Sadly, he wasn’t smiling for very long. He died mysteriously after only 33 days in office.  And after announcing reforms of the Vatican Bank’s laundering of money from organized crime.

Pope John Paul I was succeeded by Pope John Paul II (The Sequel). He was the first non Italian Pope for centuries. The fact that he was Polish and called Karol was the cherry on what was, for Catholics, a very confusing cake.

On top of the Papal resignation news, it’s just come to light that Cardinal Keith O’Brien has just announced his resignation. The most senior member of the British Catholic Church is stepping down due to allegations of “inappropriate behaviour” with other priests.

Now, we all know what “inappropriate behaviour with other priests” means. Here’s a sad fact of life. All Catholic priests are homosexual. It’s just what little Catholic boys do when they grow up unable to reconcile their sexuality and their faith. They retreat to a safe place where they are not expected to marry a woman or to have sex with anybody. It would be a good system if some of the less scrupulous priests didn’t ignore society’s most basic rule and end up taking their pick of the prettiest choirboys.

This situation could be resolved quite easily – and the Catholic Church’s reputation restored – if Catholic Priests were allowed to marry. In fact, they should go back to the rules of the early church and make it compulsory. Lady priests with husbands and male priests with wives. People with family lives – that is, virtually everyone – would respect the opinion of a spiritual advisor who had some idea of what they go through on a day to day basis and was also unlikely to introduce their pre-pubescent sons to ecclesiastical pederasty.

Also, electing a boss man who didn’t used to be in the Hitler Youth probably wouldn’t do any harm either.

© Copyright Michael Grimes 2013


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About thedailygrime

At that awkward age - too young to be a grumpy old man, but just acerbic and downtrodden enough to have an opinion. Read it here.

3 responses to “Papal Bull – Why The Pope Quitting Is Such A Big Deal And How The Catholic Church Can Improve Its Somewhat Sleazy Reputation.”

  1. Andrew Glancey says :

    Something missing from your second last paragraph there mister!? Or… have you been censored by Vatican cyber squad? Are they reading this do you think? Um… err… … … “Hail Holy Queen, Hail our Life, our Sweetness and our Hope… “

    • thedailygrime says :

      Well done spotting the deliberate mistake. The missing word was, of course, “Pederasty”. “To you do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. To you do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this vale of tears..” Cheerful stuff to be feeding seven year olds.

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