Soylent Mondegreen

Soylent Mondegreen – Why Madonna Knows More About Potatoes Than She’s Letting On And How Even I Don’t Know What The Hell I’m Saying Sometimes

      It’s A Cookbook….!

This Is A Bit Like What The Inside Of My Mind Looked Like When I Wrote This

This Is A Bit Like What The Inside Of My Mind Looked Like When I Wrote This

I wrote this a number of years ago when I was feeling very very paranoid and unwell. Feel free to leave a comment if you have any idea what it might mean. Because I haven’t got the foggiest idea. I’m feeling a lot better now if that’s any consolation…. Read More…

The Four YorkshireMen Of The Apocalypse

The Four YorkshireMen Of The Apocalypse – Why Armageddon Won’t Be Good Enough For The Average Man From Leeds

We Didn't Have Smart Phones. We Had One Nokia 3310 Between Us. And We Were Grateful For It.

We Didn’t Have Smart Phones. We Had One Nokia 3310 Between Us. And We Were Grateful For It.

The chances are that if you are not a snob, then you are probably an inverted snob. If you are not obsessed with broadcasting your good taste and refinement, then you probably bang on about how rough you had it when you were growing up. Even if you now lead a comfortable and successful life. In fact often especially if you now lead a successful and comfortable life. Read More…

Mrs Harvey The Rabbit

Mrs Harvey The Rabbit – How My English Teacher Taught Me To Be Tolerant By Being Very Politically Incorrect

Mrs Harvey's English Class. See If You Can Guess Which One Is Me. (Clue : I'm Not Wearing A Skirt)

Mrs Harvey’s English Class. See If You Can Guess Which One Is Me. (Clue : I’m Not Wearing A Skirt)

 

In my first year at Secondary School- the English equivalent of Junior High back in 1980- I had an English teacher called Mrs Harvey. She taught me about racism. Read More…

You’ve Never Had It So Bad

YOU NEVER HAD IT SO BAD – Why We’re All Full Of It When We’re Ill And How Harold Macmillan Was Right About One Thing.

 

Let’s Go To The Lab And See What’s On The Slab

I Shouldn't Put A Target On The Side Of Your Head Luv. I'm Not In the Mood.

I Shouldn’t Put A Target On The Side Of Your Head Luv. I’m Not In the Mood.

Women harp on about the old man flu, and there’s no denying the phenomenon. But it’s not restricted to men and it certainly isn’t restricted to flu. I’ll get back to flu in a moment, but let’s start off with the female equivalent of Man Flu. Migraine. This is the classic female martyr card. I wish I hadn’t lost count of the number of times I’ve overheard – or been forced to listen to -  one woman at work asking another why she was acting a bit under the weather. And the answer being “I’ve got a touch of migraine”. Read More…

If You’re Going To Lie, Lie With Your Boots On

If You’re Going To Lie, Lie With Your Boots On – The Crazy World Of Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin’s Divorce

 

Wait, Wait, It IS Actually A Thing. Who'd Have Thunk It?

Wait, Wait, It IS Actually A Thing. Who’d Have Thunk It?

Back in 1986, our collective intelligence was insulted during the infamous “Spycatcher” trial, when Cabinet Secretary Robert Armstrong used introduced the phrase “economical with the truth” into modern parlance. And I think it may have been John Major who tried to slip one past us when he used the then little known word “disingenuous” when he meant “lying”. That’s the world of politics for you. Read More…

Family travel is easy with the help of a licensed forklift operator

Originally posted on Ned's Blog:

image Welcome to another installment of Post Traumatic Sunday , which are posts written during my first marriage. None have appeared on this blog before, and only a couple were included in my book . These posts aren’t about venting or vindictiveness; I was just someone dealing with an unhappy marriage in the best way I knew how: Through humor.

Eight years later, I am happily re-married to someone who constantly inspires me to laugh for the right reasons.

Now we can all laugh together…

* * * * * * * *

This morning, we left on a family vacation with our two children, four train tickets to Seattle, and approximately 700 pounds of luggage. This is a conservative estimate based on my wife’s meticulous packing strategy, which means bringing anything that doesn’t require the help of a licensed forklift operator. My wife says that we have a responsibility to…

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Stressed out? You can probably sue someone for that

Originally posted on Ned's Blog:

image Recently, a federal jury in Billings, Mont., awarded $1 million to a woman who said she suffered from post-traumatic stress after her Delta Airlines jet made an emergency landing in November of 2011. The case gained attention because it opens the floodgate for other post-traumatic stress lawsuits, which includes anyone who has ever ridden in a taxi in downtown New York.

Though I never suffered anything as severe as post-traumatic stress from my own NYC taxi experience, it was many weeks before I could free my mind from the terrifying image of the driver flipping the bird to other taxi drivers with both hands as he navigated through Madison Avenue traffic using only his knees. Even today, I’m sure that his back seat still has a perfect impression of my hands — in the form of a death grip — which he can use as a nice conversation piece. When…

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A Question Of Spurt

A QUESTION OF SPURT – How To Avoid Indulging In The Most Revolting Sexual Practice Known To Medical Science

Share And Enjoy

I'm 30,000 Times More Intelligent Than You, And Even I Don't Know The Answer.

I’m 30,000 Times More Intelligent Than You, And Even I Don’t Know The Answer.

Don’t panic, this isn’t a script outline for one of those appalling porn movies. You known the ones which take a real title of a film or book or whatever and use the humour to defuse the disgusting sexual practices they depict. Twenty Eight Gays Later, Wood in the Babes, that sort of thing. It is about a disgusting sexual practice, though; the most revolting one imaginable. Read More…

Captain Absent And Elsewhere Boy

CAPTAIN ABSENT AND ELSEWHERE BOY – Why There ARE Real Life Superheroes And Where You Can Find Them

Work Til You’re Musclebound

 

And You Though YOUR Old Photos Were Embarrassing.

And You Thought YOUR Old Photos Were Embarrassing.

Are you good at your job? Yeah, me too. Frustrating isn’t it? I was brought up to believe in the ethic that hard work brings its own reward. Not hard work is its own reward, because only a low grade moron would believe that for more than a second. I scoffed at this idea in my lazy, know it all teens of course.

Then, when I eventually entered the job market, it made me realise that  it was true all along. Hard work really does bring its own reward. Sadly, as it turns out, the reward it brings is yet more hard work.  Spade loads of it. Read More…

Skinchies!

SKINCHIES – The Vicious Games Of Childhood And How They Become The Vicious Games Of Adulthood

All The Games People Play Now….

If We Knew About Andy McNab In 1979, We'd Have Pretended To Be Him, Not Captain Scarlet

If We Knew About Andy McNab In 1979, We’d Have Pretended To Be Him, Not Captain Scarlet

Kids are very creative when it comes to making up games. It’s great preparation for the trials lurking in store in their adult lives. It’s a little while since I was at primary school, but as far as I remember boys and girls played separate games until they started to be vaguely interested in each other and the girls realised that them doing handstands up against the wall was suddenly a lot more interesting to the boys than it had been previously. Read More…